The Best Films of the 1990s

Last year around this time, I started to do a list of the best movies of the 2000s. I got about halfway through and realized that after writing small reviews of each of these movies, I felt like taking my life as violently as possible. So instead of going through each and every one of these movies (which there are 111), I am just going to list them with the directors and years. That way I don't kill myself.

That being said, here goes nothing...

120. The Ghost and the Darkness (1996), Directed by Stephen Hopkins

119. Bad Boys (1995), Directed by Michael Bay

118. The People Under the Stairs (1991), Directed by Wes Craven

117. Short Cuts (1993), Directed by Robert Altman

116. GoodFellas (1990), Directed by Martin Scorcese

115. Mars Attacks! (1996), Directed by Tim Burton

114. Scream 2 (1997), Directed by Wes Craven

113. The Frighteners (1996), Directed by Peter Jackson

112. The American President (1995), Directed by Rob Reiner

111. Grosse Pointe Blank (1997), Directed by George Armitage

110. Glengarry Glen Ross (1992), Directed by James Foley

109. Hoffa (1992), Directed by Danny DeVito

108. Red Rock West (1993), Directed by John Dahl

107. 8MM (1999), Directed by Joel Schumacher

106. The Blair Witch Project (1999), Directed by Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sánchez

105. Fried Green Tomatoes (1991), Directed by Jon Avnet

104. Dogma (1999), Directed by Kevin Smith

103. Donnie Brasco (1997), Directed by Mike Newell

102. Courage Under Fire (1996), Directed by Edward Zwick

101. Small Soldiers (1998), Directed by Joe Dante

100. Kingpin (1996), Directed by The Farrelly Brothers

99. In the Mouth of Madness (1995), Directed by John Carpenter

98. Jackie Brown (1997), Directed by Quentin Tarantino

97. Shallow Grave (1994), Directed by Danny Boyle

96. The Exorcist III (1990), Directed by William Peter Blatty

95. Crimson Tide (1995), Directed by Tony Scott

94. Cape Fear (1991), Directed by Martin Scorcese

93. The Birdcage (1996), Directed by Mike Nichols

92. Arachnophobia (1990), Directed by Frank Marshall

91. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993), Directed by Henry Selick

90. GoldenEye (1995), Directed by Martin Campbell

89. Bringing Out the Dead (1999), Directed by Martin Scorcese

88. The Game (1997), Directed by David Fincher

87. Mimic (1997), Directed by Guillermo del Toro

86. Jerry Maguire (1996), Directed by Cameron Crowe

85. Dances with Wolves (1990), Directed by Kevin Costner

84. Fargo (1996), Directed by Joel Coen

83. Beauty and the Beast (1991), Directed by Gary Trousdale and Kirk Wise

82. One False Move (1992), Directed by Carl Franklin

81. Naked Lunch (1991), Directed by David Cronenberg

80. Soapdish (1991), Directed by Michael Hoffman

79. Outbreak (1995), Directed by Wolfgang Petersen

78. Dick Tracy (1990), Directed by Warren Beatty

77. In the Company of Men (1997), Directed by Neil LaBute

76. The Usual Suspects (1995), Directed by Bryan Singer

75. The Lion King (1994), Directed by Roger Allers and Rob Minkoff

74. Rounders (1998), Directed by John Dahl

73. A Civil Action (1998), Directed by Steven Zaillian

72. Copycat (1995), Directed by Jon Amiel

71. The Insider (1999), Directed by Michael Mann

70. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999), Directed by Anthony Minghella

69. The Spanish Prisoner (1997), Directed by David Mamet

68. The Nutty Professor (1996), Directed by Tom Shadyac

67. The Last of the Mohicans (1992), Directed by Michael Mann

66. Jurassic Park (1993), Directed by Steven Spielberg

65. The Fugitive (1993), Directed by Andrew Davis

64. Clueless (1995), Directed by Amy Heckerling

63. The Iron Giant (1999), Directed by Brad Bird

62. Tin Cup (1996), Directed by Ron Shelton

61. Election (1999), Directed by Alexander Payne

60. Little Dieter Needs to Fly (1997), Directed by Werner Herzog

59. Toy Story (1995), Directed by John Lasseter

58. Miller's Crossing (1990), Directed by Joel Coen

57. Fearless (1993), Directed by Peter Weir

56. Darkman (1990), Directed by Sam Raimi

55. Crash (1996), Directed by David Cronenberg

54. As Good As It Gets (1997), Directed by James L. Brooks

53. Dead Alive (1992), Directed by Peter Jackson

52. Pleasantville (1998), Directed by Gary Ross

51. In the Line of Fire (1993), Directed by Wolfgang Petersen

50. The Sixth Sense (1999), Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

49. The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Directed by Frank Darabont

48. Rushmore (1998), Directed by Wes Anderson

47. Matinee (1993), Directed by Joe Dante

46. Heavenly Creatures (1994), Directed by Peter Jackson

45. Candyman (1992), Directed by Bernard Rose

44. Dark City (1998), Directed by Alex Proyas

43. Eyes Wide Shut (1999), Directed by Stanley Kubrick

42. Heat (1995), Directed by Michael Mann

41. The Thin Red Line (1998), Directed by Terrence Malick

40. Babe (1995), Directed by Chris Noonan

39. Gremlins 2 : The New Batch (1990), Directed by Joe Dante

38. Groundhog Day (1993), Directed by Harold Ramis

37. Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994), Directed by Wes Craven

36. Lost Highway (1997), Directed by David Lynch

35. A Few Good Men (1992), Directed by Rob Reiner

34. Sleepy Hollow (1999), Directed by Tim Burton

33. Quiz Show (1994), Directed by Robert Redford

32. Hoop Dreams (1994), Directed by Steve James

31. Saving Private Ryan (1998), Directed by Steven Spielberg

30. The Matrix (1999), Directed by The Wachowski Brothers

29. The Player (1992), Directed by Robert Altman

28. Casino (1995), Directed by Martin Scorcese

27. Man Bites Dog (1992), Directed by Rémy Belvaux, André Bonzel and Benoît Poelvoorde

26. Three Kings (1999), Directed by David O. Russell

25. The Rock (1996), Directed by Michael Bay

24. Lone Star (1996), Directed by John Sayles

23. South Park : Bigger, Longer and Uncut (1999), Directed by Trey Parker

22. Good Will Hunting (1997), Directed by Gus Van Sant

21. The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Directed by Jonathan Demme

20. Dogfight (1991), Directed by Nancy Savoca

19. Magnolia (1999), Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson

18. Leaving Las Vegas (1995), Directed by Mike Figgis

17. Chasing Amy (1997), Directed by Kevin Smith

16. The Limey (1999), Directed by Steven Soderbergh

15. Natural Born Killers (1994), Directed by Oliver Stone

14. Bulworth (1998), Directed by Warren Beatty

13. The Green Mile (1999), Directed by Frank Darabont

12. The Truman Show (1998), Directed by Peter Weir

11. Total Recall (1990), Directed by Paul Verhoeven

10. Blood and Wine (1996), Directed by Bob Rafelson

9. L.A. Confidential (1997), Directed by Curtis Hanson

8. Bowfinger (1999), Directed by Frank Oz

7. Seven (1995), Directed by David Fincher

6. Unforgiven (1992), Directed by Clint Eastwood

5. Scream (1996), Directed by Wes Craven

4. Ed Wood (1994), Directed by Tim Burton

3. A Simple Plan (1998), Directed by Sam Raimi

2. Homicide (1991), Directed by David Mamet

1. JFK (1991), Directed by Oliver Stone

Well, that's it. As the three that went with me to the Baldwinsville that fateful night under a week ago, you'll notice some revisions. If anyone has any questions or comments, you can comment here and we'll discuss.

Return of the Bouldergeist

The title of this blog refers to "Super Mario Galaxy". In the game, you have to fight this ethereal rock monster (no, not a rock lobster) and they call it a "bouldergeist". Needless to say, I laughed for a good couple of minutes after I first saw this. I'm a pun kinda guy. Maybe that makes me unpopular with certain people (mostly girls), but that's just because most girls are uptight and don't want to laugh. Too busy putting up impenetrable walls.

Before I get too involved with the tangent, what I want to say is one of the reasons that the word "poltergeist" is so widely known is because of the 1982 film "Poltergeist". Seems fairly obvious. It wasn't exactly a commonly used word at the time but the movie made it insanely popular. But I'm not going to talk about the first movie. No, that'd be too easy. I'm gonna talk about the second one.

Why?

Because I think it deserves recognition.

Back when I was a sophomore in college, I started my search for the original "Poltergeist" on DVD. I remembered seeing it at Wal-Mart so I went there. No such luck. I worked at Blockbuster at the time so I decided to just order it. It was 19.99 with a 20% discount.

This was a movie that I watched in the daytime specifically because when I was a child it scared the living shit out of me. I didn't remember much about it, but the title evoked this feeling in my body that immediately got me a little sick to my stomach. (I admit, I was a weird kid.) I didn't know what to expect from the movie when I watched it this time. I was older, arguably more mature. Maybe it was still going to scare me.

But what happened surprised me. It was a touching, scary, exciting ghost story with special effects that still hold up.

I got a sick obsession with this movie. I watched it with my father, my sister and by myself. Each time, I saw something else in it I liked that much more. The score by Jerry Goldsmith (insert Mike Sloyka rolling his eyes here) really adds to the movie, as all scores should. There are particular cues that shows Goldsmith's range. From heroism, fear and the unknown, it's all covered here, on film and on the score.

One of the scenes in the movie gets me each time I watch it:

As I've discussed in the past, I have this thing that happens when a movie is really well done. I get goosebumps. The goosebumps, if they get intense enough, cause me to tear up. Why, you might ask? I don't actually know. The only thing I can relate it to is just being an idiot.

There is a scene in the movie where the parents of the abducted child decide to go after their child by way of white, windy portal in the door. It doesn't make sense, but it doesn't have to. The father ties a rope to the mother as the mother prepares for the unknown. The music swells, they look at one another and they know words won't help. Words don't suit what they're about to do. They kiss, blocking the light and causing a perfect silhouette.

So, because of the first having such an effect on me, I kept thinking to myself, I gotta watch the second one. Lucky for me, the second and third were in an MGM two pack.

A couple of weeks pass and I get the second and third on DVD. I am ecstatic. I watched the second one as soon as I could get the packaging off. The one hesitancy that I had was the fact that I remember Craig T. Nelson drinking tequila and spitting up a worm. And an old man. A very scary old man.

The weird thing about the sequel is that you really like it though you know you really shouldn't. It's a decent follow up. If nothing else, you have time to spend with a likable family that you identified with in the first. Granted, JoBeth Williams is significantly less hot and Craig T. Nelson's hair changes length mid movie without any explanation, but you almost don't notice. Jerry Goldsmith does the score again and it's as strong as the first, if a little more quirky.

The thing about the second one that makes it almost more watchable than the first is that it's not nearly as good as the first. I know that's a weird thing to say, but the best way I can describe it is like this:

You gotta think of the first movie as being a complete meal. Thanksgiving dinner. You're around the table with your family, having fun, telling stories and getting full.

The second movie is more like getting Chinese. It's good, it's filling and your family is still happy, but it's a lot less work. Almost like junk food.

"Poltergeist II" is comfort food. Something I can watch at almost anytime. It reminds me of being a kid, covering my eyes with my hands. Sitting around with my dad, brother, mother and sister on the floor of our living room. It's a good feeling. Comfort food needs it's place just like the Thanksgiving meal.

Not just that, but the second one has some legitimately good shock moments. Some of it is a little ridiculous, but that was just part of being the 80s. The first movie threw everything into it, from a guy ripping his face off to a tree that eats children. They had to up the ante somehow. Who knew they'd add attacking braces and a tequila worm that turns into a monster, that turns into a crab that's actually the spirit of an old preacher that can be defeated by Native American smoke. If you follow the line of logic, it kinda makes sense. Kinda like the argument that I made to my father during "The Mummy" about how one of the guys shot more than six bullets out of a six shooter. I told him, "We're watching a movie about a resurrected mummy." That kept him quiet...for a while.

I won't mention the third because it makes almost no sense. Less than the second (and that's saying something). I do remember Lara Flynn Boyle being reborn out of a hollowed out Zelda Rubenstein. But then again, I fell asleep while watching it so it could have been a dream. Good Christ, I hope it was a dream...

It should also be mentioned that I own the scores to the first two movies. I listen to them frequently throughout the year. The scores, in themselves, are so good that you can picture the movie while you're listening to them. Not only that, but listening to particular tracks from each of the scores help me get to work on time. And yes, that means I speed.

As I did with my previous blog, I'm going to do the three things I learned from the second movie.

Poltergeist II - The Other Side (1986), Directed by Brian Gibson

Tagline : They're back.

1. If I were to be adopted by any actor, I wish it were Craig T. Nelson.

2. Even if you don't truly believe in another religion, it's power can help you in the nick of time against a crustacean spirit.

3. Evangelists are always creepy, especially when they're ghosts that, when alive, sealed their entire congregation in a cave.

Lesson Learned

October has always been somewhat of a sacred month for me. I think it has something to do with how the leaves turn and it gets colder. While those may be slight factors in my crazy love for October, I think the main impetus for it is, of course, Halloween.

I've always been quite the scared kid. Whether it be of the dark (which I still am) or going outside on an extremely windy night, it touches some kind of a nerve in me that I can't quite explain. It's kinda the same thing when people are trying to tell you about how hot their girlfriend is and you see them and they look more like Sara Gilbert than Sarah Silverman. I can't tell you what it is that freaks me out, it just does.

As part of a tradition that I'm trying to start (I am only currently in my second year), I watched at least one horror movie a day for the entire month. Some days I was bored and watched more than one, but I made sure to adhere to the one a day quota. If I started to watch a movie and fell asleep, I'd start where I left off the next day, making sure that I finished it.

Aside from the one a day rule, I also tried to watch movies I hadn't seen before. Being that I own approximately 2,000 DVDs and over 100 Blu-Rays, there's definite holes in my viewing experience. If I did watch a movie I'd already seen, I watched it with my sister or with someone who I know didn't see the movie I was watching. (These other people were Megan, my cousin Christina and her two children.) There were a few exceptions and that was simply because the movies I've seen before are classics and necessary to watch each Halloween.

Watching all these movies, I was thinking of keeping a daily log of the movies I watched in order to then go back and do a review of each of them. Realizing that this would at least be thirty-one movies and my propensity for rambling (as I am right now), I decided to instead list three things I've learned from these movies. I figured that would be a simpler, standardized way of reviewing the film. That being said, here it goes...

October 1st:

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966), Directed by Bill Melendez

Watched with my cousin's children

1. Never trust a brunette.

2. The music when Snoopy is sneaking "across enemy lines" (the flute solo) is still creepy to me. It evokes the Halloween feeling I was talking about previous.

3. The Great Pumpkin exists.

October 2nd:

Phase IV (1974), Directed by Saul Bass

Tagline: "The day the Earth was turned into a cemetery!"

1. Don't mess with super-intelligent ants.

2. Saul Bass should have directed more movies.

3. Michael Murphy makes a lousy leading man.

October 3rd:

Frozen (2010), Directed by Adam Green

Tagline: "No one knows you're up there..."

1. Even really pretty girls look weird with frostbite all over their face.

2. Tell the girl you like that you like her, otherwise, you're liable to get eaten by wolves before you can.

3. Don't ever jump, legs straight, from a ski lift to the ground. It won't work out for you.

October 4th:

Two on a Guillotine (1965), Directed by William Conrad

Taglines: "Two on a Guillotine - or 7 nights in a house of terror - or the unkindest cut of all"

"Attention: Guillotine-agers! Wouldn't you like to learn how to flip your lid? If you're chopping for entertainment, here's the super-shocker of them all."

"Anyway you slice it...it's the screen's new high in clean-cut fun."

1. Just because a movie is black-and-white and has the word "guillotine" in it does not automatically make it a good movie.

2. Wrapping a coffin with rusted chains and locks will not prevent a corpse from escaping from it.

3. Such "shocking" horror movies should not dwell on the ho-hum romance of a hot blonde and a jackass reporter for half it's running length. Ever.

Saw (2004), Directed by James Wan

Watched with Megan, seen before

Tagline: "Every piece has a puzzle."

1. Cary Elwes must have forgotten to act.

2. There are no cool Adam's in movies especially not this one where this particular Adam cries like a little girl and screams anytime anything happens.

3. Saw is to Seven what Orca was to Jaws: a rip-off.

October 5th:

The Horror Show (a.k.a.-House III) (1989), Directed by James Isaac

Tagline: "Go to Hell."

1. Twenty year olds can play fourteen year olds no matter how creepy they look without any makeup whatsoever.

2. Black cats can, and will, climb into kitchen cabinets, shutting the door behind them in order to jump out at exactly the right time.

3. People can build up a resistance to the electric chair with homemade appliances.

October 6th:

The Monster Squad (1987), Directed by Fred Dekker

Seen several times previous

Taglines: "The End of the World starts at Midnight."

"Call them for a monster-ous good time."

"You know who to call when you have ghosts but who do you call when you have monsters?

1. People, especially in groups, can name an overweight child "Fat Kid" and it can be considered a term of endearment.

2. Shooting from a moving car with your less dominant hand at a small, moving target is entirely possible.

3. Dracula hates little girls.

3a. "Wolfman's got nards."

October 7th:

Dead Silence (2007), Directed by James Wan

Tagline: "You scream. You die."

1. Donnie Wahlberg has the range of a broken BB gun with a bent barrel.

2. Never trust dolls. Better yet, burn any you come into contact with just in case.

3. Famous theaters in the early twentieth century could be on an island of their own.

October 8th:

My Soul to Take (2010), Directed by Wes Craven

Tagline: "Only one has the power to save their souls."

1. When you die, if you're really fast, you can soul jump into a body of someone that's just hanging around.

2. 3-D is a pointless gimmick.

3. Girls can nickname their leader "Fang" and it is acceptable.

October 9th:

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010), Directed by Tom Six

Taglines: "100% Medically Accurate"

"Their flesh is his fantasy."

1. If my car breaks down in the middle of Germany, I'm just going to hide in the trunk because if I don't, I might become the middle.

2. Cops are really slow on the uptake in horror movies.

3. When Eli Roth says that a movie made him sick to his stomach, chances are you probably shouldn't watch it.

Splice (2010), Directed by Vincenzo Natali

Taglines: "On June 4th...Meet Dren."

"Science's newest miracle...is a mistake."

"She's not human...not entirely."

"The future is born 06.04.2010"

1. Never have sex with an experiment. It gets messy.

2. Gene splicing from several species makes things that look like scrotums with fangs.

3. I never want to hear anyone say "Inside...you..." to me. If you do, you're likely to get punched in the face.

October 10th:

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Directed by Joe Chappelle

Seen many times before

Taglines: "Six times the terror...Six times the fear...Six times the thrills..."

"Terror never rests in peace!"

"Everyone knows his name. Now, everyone will know the truth."

"The only thing more terrifying than how it began, is how it will end."

"One has tracked his murderous past. The other is a student of the Black Arts. On Friday, September 29th, a mystery will be revealed. The only thing more terrifying than how it began...is how it will END!"

"Haddonfield is ready to celebrate Halloween...so is Michael Myers!"

1. Not all abusive, blonde fathers in horror movies are good actors but their heads will explode if they are impaled on an electrical box.

2. Sequels are better the more tenuous and confusing the connections to the series are.

3. Women can make extremely urgent decisions quickly up to, but not limited to, jumping out a second story window in order to elude Druids come to kidnap them.

October 11th:

The Sentinel (1977), Directed by Michael Winner

Taglines: "She is young, she is beautiful, she is next..."

"She's living in the gateway to Hell."

"Doomed to guard the gates of Hell forever..."

"There must forever be a guardian at the gate from Hell..."

1. Prince Humperdink + mustache = pedophile

2. Lesbians always try seducing attractive women by masturbating in front of them.

3. Walking in on your father having a threeway with two fat chicks will screw you up for life.

October 12th:

The Watcher in the Woods (1980), Directed by John Hough

Taglines: "Scared of going into the woods? You should be..."

"A Masterpiece of Suspense!"

"Something is watching. Something unknown..."

"The most legendary monster of all can now be seen for the first time."

"It was just an innocent game...until a young girl vanished for thirty years."

1. Parents just don't understand.

2. Don't play games in an abandoned church during a rainstorm or else you'll be transported to a different dimension for no discernible reason.

3. Bette Davis, even at 72, had extremely pretty eyes.

October 13th:

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986), Directed by Tobe Hooper

Tagline: "After a decade of silence...the buzzz is back!"

1. Leatherface could have had an alternate life as a puppeteer.

2. Chili, of all kinds, most likely has some human ingredients.

3. Hitting a person in the head with a hammer for over ten minutes and then skinning them will not always kill them.

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990), Directed by Jeff Burr

Taglines: "There's roadkill all over Texas"

"He puts the teeth in terror"

"The Saw is Family"

1. Ken Foree is the type of guy that can take a chainsaw to the head and still come back at the end of the movie to help subdue the antagonist.

2. Blonde children should not be allowed access to a sledgehammer.

3. Movies are better when they act like sequels but are really remakes.

Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995), Directed by Bill Condon

Taglines: "Evil comes when you call his name."

"Dare you to say his name 5 times...again!"

1. Bees are bad, but not as bad as getting your hand cut off.

2. Women can be named "Octavia" and no one bats an eye.

3. Candyman can never just catch a break.

The Evil Dead (1981), Directed by Sam Raimi

Seen many, many times before...this time with my sister. One of my favorite horror movies.

Taglines: "Can they be stopped?"

"The ultimate experience in grueling terror."

1. Cabins, woods, friends, basements and shrubbery cannot be trusted.

2. Ashley can be a girly guy's name, but when you shorten it, it sounds awesome.

3. Demons and ghosts are rarely subtle, coming only through closed windows and doors.

Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987), Directed by Sam Raimi

Same as The Evil Dead

Taglines: "Kiss your nerves good-bye!"

"2 Terrifying. 2 Frightening. 2 Much!"

"The sequel to the ultimate experience in grueling terror."

"The comedy/horror of the decayed."

1. You can always trick a redneck.

2. You can always stab a redneck.

3. You can always allow a redneck to go head first into a blender and feel guilt free.

3a. Insanity can be fun for a little while, but eventually, hands have to be cut off and innocents shot.

October 14th:

The Video Dead (1987), Directed by Robert Scott

Taglines: "Look what's living inside your television."

"The living dead are here, and they're lusting for blood - yours!"

1. Poodles sound like men when killed.

2. Michael can be both a first and last name for the same person.

3. Poodles get horny off skunk piss.

October 15th:

Humanoids from the Deep (1980), Directed by Barbara Peeters

Taglines: "Between life and death, there is "Humanoids from the Deep"

"From the ocean depths, they strike...to terrorize...to mate...and to kill!"

"From the caverns of the deep...it strikes!"

"They're not human. But they hunt human women. Not for killing. For mating."

1. Bikinis in 1980 came off like tissue paper.

2. Fishers really hate Native Americans and their dogs.

3. Humanoids are elitists, raping only the attractive women.

October 16th:

Bats (1999), Directed by Louis Morneau

Taglines: "Where can you hide?"

"You're their inflight snack."

"Where do you hide when the dark is alive?"

"Out of Hell."

"They will suck you dry!"

1. Bats, when mutated, turn into gargoyles.

2. Bob Gunton cannot play a good guy.

3. Leon's character was written only to call the bats names.

October 17th:

An American Werewolf in London (1981), Directed by John Landis

Taglines: "John Landis - the director of "Animal House" brings you a different kind of animal."

"Beware the Moon."

"A masterpiece of horror."

1. Getting attacked by a werewolf gets you shacked up with a hot British nurse.

2. English pubs are full of superstitious people that do not help you, even if you're screaming for help.

3. Movies don't need a third act, just an ending.

October 18th:

Friday the 13th (1980), Directed by Sean S. Cunningham

Seen many times before

Taglines: "On Friday the 13th, they begin to die horribly, one...by one."

"Lucky 13? I think not..."

"If you think this means bad luck...YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT!"

"You'll wish it were only a nightmare..."

"Fridays will never be the same again."

"A 24-hour nightmare of terror."

"They were warned...they are doomed...and on Friday the 13th, nothing will save them."

"You may only see it once, but that will be enough."

1. Mentally challenged people cannot swim.

2. Strip Monopoly will always be interrupted when playing with two average girls.

3. Any boss that runs a summer camp will wear an ascot and jorts (jean shorts).

October 19th:

The Brood (1979), Directed by David Cronenberg

Taglines: "The Ultimate Experience of Inner Terror."

"They're waiting...for you!"

1. All blonde children are ugly killers with severe acne.

2. No adult can subdue small children attacking them.

3. My subconscious can kill people without my knowledge.

3a. Afterbirth is a palate cleanser.

P2 (2007), Directed by Franck Khalfoun

Taglines: "A new level of fear."

"She did what he never expected. She fought back."

"The only thing more terrifying than being alone is discovering that you're not."

"A new level of terror."

1. No matter how much an audience member could will it to happen, boobs will not pop out of a dress.

2. Christmas weekend is a crappy time to get kidnapped.

3. Complete fingernails come off about as easily as a loose scab.

October 20th:

Burnt Offerings (1976), Directed by Dan Curtis

Taglines: "The perfect summer rental for the last vacation you'll ever take."

"Up the ancient stairs, behind the locked door, something lives, something evil, from which no one has ever returned."

1. Karen Black is ugly and not a good actress.

2. Bette Davis is prettier than Karen Black and she was 68 in the movie.

3. If you dressed Burgess Meredith (who is also in this movie) in a skirt and tank top at the age he was in the movie (he was 69), I'd probably take him out on a date before I would Karen Black.

October 21st:

Friday the 13th Part VI - Jason Lives (1986), Directed by Tom McLoughlin

Seen many times

Taglines: "Kill or be killed!"

"Nothing this evil ever dies."

"Evil always rises again."

"The nightmare returns. This summer..."

1. You can be as innocent as you want, but as soon as you put your face in the sheriff's daughter's crotch, you're a serial killer.

2. Sometimes kids gotta be killed.

3. Horshack is a pussy and sometimes pussies get impaled on a graveyard fence post.

October 22nd:

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010), Directed by Tod Williams

No tagline

1. People never believe in demons or ghosts until one of them snaps their neck.

2. Demonically possessed people are aware of security cameras.

3. Using a Ouija board will only ever lead to trouble.

October 23rd:

The Boogens (1981), Directed by James L. Conway

Taglines: "There is no escape!"

"Some things shouldn't be disturbed..."

"Afraid of not knowing...afraid to find out...After 100 years, someone has reawakened The Boogens."

1. Lock a turtle in a cave for a century, they get uglier and you can now call them "Boogens".

2. Even though the Boogens have been locked away for a long time, they know their way around the cave system extremely well.

3. Sometimes, a good sense of humor and curly hair gets you laid.

The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988), Directed by Wes Craven

Seen before, watched with sister

Taglines: "Don't bury me...I'm not dead!"

1. Haitians hate Bill Pullman.

2. Drugs let you have happy waking dreams where you play with tigers in the grass.

3. To make these drugs, you have to break open the skull of a corpse bride and put your ingredients inside of it.

October 24th:

Saw II (2005), Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman

Seen before, watched with Megan

Taglines: "We dare you again..."

"New game. Different pieces."

"Oh, yes. There will be blood."

"The game continues..."

1. Patience is a virtue.

2. Beating up a cancer patient will get you nowhere.

3. If you keep throwing a plot twist on top of another plot twist, the audience will be so confused, they'll think it's cool and they're smart for knowing it happened. (See also: Inception)

October 25th:

The Fly (1986), Directed by David Cronenberg

Saw it before, watched it with my sister

Taglines: "Something went wrong in the lab today. Very wrong."

"Half man. Half insect. Total terror."

"Be afraid. Be very afraid."

"There is a limit, even to the imagination, where our greatest creations meet our deepest fears. Doctor Seth Brundle is about to go beyond that limit...and he's bringing you for the ride."

1. Geena Davis is weird looking. Thinking that her and Jeff Goldblum were having sex makes me sick to my stomach.

2. Ex-boyfriends are normally douchebags that deserve to be vomit dropped.

3. Baboons are expendable.

October 26th:

Bug (1975), Directed by Jeannot Szwarc

Taglines: "They look like rocks...possess a high intelligence...have no eyes...and eat ashes...they travel in your car exhaust...they make fire...they kill."

"Out of the worst nightmare!"

"The picture you see with your eyes closed!"

1. Bugs can breathe fire.

2. Earthquakes always release some sort of dormant, violent species.

3. Making the fire-breathing bugs fly is probably a bad idea.

From Beyond the Grave (1973), Directed by Kevin Connor

Tagline: "Terror to delight worshippers of the Macabre."

1. All mirrors have blood-thirsty ghosts in them.

2. Buying a door will release a ghost.

3. Ghosts pop out of all antiques.

October 27th:

Return of the Living Dead III (1993), Directed by Brian Yuzna

Taglines: "She's to die for."

"Back from the dead and hungry for more."

1. If you have a thrill seeking masochist for a girlfriend, it's probably ill-advised to resurrect her from the dead.

2. In order for zombies to be properly researched, they must be dressed like Borat in the green bikini.

3. No matter how hot she is, having sex with a zombie will come back to bite you.

October 28th:

Someone's Watching Me! (1978), Directed by John Carpenter

No tagline

1. Lauren Hutton probably could never pass for 29.

2. Uncle Leo from Seinfeld is probably a voyeur in real life.

3. Adrienne Barbeau's boobs are distracting.

October 29th:

Peeping Tom (1960), Directed by Michael Powell

Seen once before a long time ago

Tagline: (there are many, but I'm just going to use this one) "Don't dare tell the ending to anyone - you'll be blamed for nightmares!"

1. Allen Irwin will most likely kill someone with the leg of a tripod.

2. I will most likely be the victim.

3. Greg Brown will be the witness.

3a. Moira Shearer can fit into a trunk.

October 30th:

Opera (1987), Directed by Dario Argento

Taglines: "Obsession, murder, madness..."

"A star is born tonight...will she live to see tomorrow?"

"The last note is a real killer."

1. Cristina Marsillach looks like a combination of Asia Argento and Audrey Tautou.

2. My mother will sit through a brutal horror movie if she thinks it has something to do with opera.

3. Dario Argento really knows how to stage a murder.

Pet Sematary (1989), Directed by Mary Lambert

Taglines: "A pet isn't just for life."

"Sometimes dead is better."

1. If my cat gets killed and I resurrect it in an Indian burial ground and it comes back to kill me, I'm not going to put my son or wife into the same burial ground.

2. Herman Munster has an Achilles' heel just like anyone else.

3. Toddlers with scalpels almost look cute.

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1949), Directed by Clyde Geronimi and Jack Kinney

No tagline

1. Donkeys laugh.

2. Throwing yourself in the middle of a boyfriend/girlfriend fight gets you decapitated.

3. Fat girls with bad haircuts make enthusiastic dance partners.

The Night Flier (1997), Directed by Mark Pavia

Taglines: "Never believe what you publish...never publish what you believe."

"Evil has a flight plan."

"Fly the deadly skies."

1. Vampires are ugly, not doofy looking fuckers with perfectly coiffed hair.

2. You can look like Phoebe Cates but that doesn't mean that you're gonna be a good actress.

3. Editors of tabloids often laugh hysterically at their attempts to complicate things.

October 31st:

Nosferatu: Phantom of the Night (1979), Directed by Werner Herzog

No tagline

1. Werner Herzog takes every opportunity possible to show an animal shitting.

2. Klaus Kinski is an intense guy.

3. Okay Rolan Topor...laughing after everything you say is annoying. I know you're supposed to be crazy, but that's just stupid crazy. Go eat a rat or something.

Psycho (1960), Directed by Alfred Hitchcock

Seen many, many times

Tagline: (there are many) "Don't give away the ending - it's the only one we have!"

1. I wish my name was Arbogast.

2. I wish I could have John McIntire announce me at the Super Bowl with that last name.

3. The phrase "hot as fresh milk" is disgusting, but I use it often.

Sleepy Hollow (1999), Directed by Tim Burton

Seen many, many times

Taglines: "Who will it come for next?"

"Watch your head!"

"Heads will roll."

"Close your eyes. Say your prayers. Sleep if you can."

"You can lock the doors. You can bolt the windows. But can you survive the night?"

1. Sometimes blood is pink.

2. Christina Ricci's forehead isn't always distracting. Sometimes her boobs divert some attention.

3. Seeing Ed Rooney's bare back in a sex scene a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Now, I know I missed out on some of the classics, but this is what I watched. I really wanted to watch The Haunting (1963), The Blair Witch Project and Halloween (1978) but never got around to them. In between writing this, I watched the Japanese horror movie Hausu and was going to try to summarize it, but it would be futile. It deserves it's own entry.

Horror movies are a rollercoaster ride. As explained in Joe Dante's Matinee, they allow you to face death and come out the other end, relieved. I love being scared and this past October left me no shortage of that.

Except for maybe Bats...

Hottie with a "Body"

Going into this movie, I didn't have a lot of expectations. It was one of those movies that came out in the fall and then the studio dumped between Christmas and New Year's. I always look for these types of movies, the ones the studios dump, because there's gotta be something to them. At least I thought so. The movie that began this template was "Jeepers Creepers".

The movie came out eight years ago. I still have fond memories of watching that movie by the glow of my Christmas tree by myself past midnight in my living room. The movie scared the shit out of me. Granted, back then, I didn't have as much experience with horror movies as I do now. I've since become desensitized by them, but there are movies that still will scare me if done well enough.

So, here comes "Jennifer's Body". Everyone probably already knows who is in it and what the basic plot is, but just in case it stars Megan Fox as a girl who becomes possessed by a demon. That's pretty much all you need to know. The movie does not strain for any more depth than that. Amanda Seyfried plays her "BFF" (gag) Needy. (Her name is actually Anita, but Needy sounds funnier and more clever.)

Something to take into consideration is the fact that this movie is written by Diablo Cody. Her only other credits at this point are "The United States of Tara" and the Academy Award winning "Juno". I haven't watched "The United States of Tara", but I haven't heard that much good about it aside from Toni Collette. However, I have seen "Juno".

"Juno" was a success because while Juno and all her friends had this cutesy, I'm smarter than you dialogue, the parents and adults all spoke normally. None of them seemed to be straining to be smarter than the other. They were just regular people. "Jennifer's Body" is the complete opposite of this.

As a matter of fact, I don't really know of any of the adults in the movie at all. There is no juxtaposition of dialogue. Just Megan Fox looking hot and eating guys. Something to realize though is that Megan Fox actually has the chops to act. Because two of her other movies (the "Transformers" movies) were directed by Michael Bay and Michael Bay is basically a six year old in a fifty year old's body, she was never given an opportunity to do anything in those two movies aside from look scared, hot and run in tight clothes.

The movie itself doesn't know what it wants to be. I think Diablo Cody wanted to do a horror movie, but didn't really understand the conventions of them. Or did too well. I'm not sure. I'll probably have to watch it again to form a better opinion on it. The movie is poorly edited and directed. While this could have been seen as the ultimate girl power movie because of Karyn Kusama behind the camera with a Diablo Cody script, it acts as nothing more than a male fantasy put on screen.

I could just see some guy say, "You know, if I were to be torn apart by some girl-turned-monster, I'd want it to be Megan Fox seven days a week and twice on Sundays."

The problem with the movie is it's not as funny as it wants to be and it's not as scary as it should be. I know in the end that horror comedies are hard to pull off, but then again, it doesn't seem like anyone tried for anything. I doubt that the movie would have been made without Megan Fox in the lead role.

Now, I am trying my best to have faith in Diablo Cody. I really, truly am. I would hope that someone with a rags to riches story like hers would be able to pull off something other than "Juno". Our society these days frequently makes people celebrities before they know what to do with the fame (also see J.J. Abrams). I'm hoping that Ms. Cody falls out of the cutesy dialogue and makes something substantial again. According to one of the special features on the Blu-Ray, she explains that she didn't make the dialogue the way she did on purpose. I think that's a lie. Many writers can realize when their dialogue is taking away from the story. And in her case, especially in "Jennifer's Body", it most certainly is.

For now though, I will just continue to think of how if the amount of effort that was put into the Megan Fox/Amanda Seyfried make out scene was put into the rest of the movie that the movie would have been infinitely better.

A kinda scary side note: For someone that doesn't like Diablo Cody too much, I own both of the movies she has written on Blu-Ray. And they're both in the J's, right on either side of "JFK". Now that's scary.

The Top Fifty Movies of the Past Decade (Part I)

In the interest of keeping some of these under wraps as it were, I will be revealing these backwards starting at fifty. Somethings to take into consideration: I have seen many movies and I'm kind of a snob. I do not watch as many foreign movies or documentaries as I should, but I am working on it. Most of my taste is derived from my father and stuff I've picked up along the way. That being the case, do not look down upon this list, or do. Either way, this is the list, for better or worse.

50. Kill Bill (2003, 2004) Directed by Quentin Tarantino

I don't consider this to be two separate movies as it was released. It was meant to be one, but because of marketing problems with a three hour movie (that were later realized in Tarantino's next project "Grindhouse"), the producers decided to split it into two separate ones. This is one of the more popular movies of the decade and has it's own implications about honor, revenge and love. Tarantino says that it's supposed to be a kick ass exploitation film, but in real life, it's a character piece. I think Tarantino still hasn't gotten past the fact that it's okay to have some emotion in his movies. This was the beginning of his transformation into a mature filmmaker.

49. Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005) Directed by George Clooney

Who would have thought that the guy that guest starred on "The Facts of Life" would go on to such success as a director? While many actors eventually try their hands at directing, not so many of them actually are truly successful. (Warren Beatty, Robert Redford and Clint Eastwood being the obvious exceptions.) George Clooney easily sidles into the directing chair and tells the straightforward story of Edward R. Murrow, one of the few newscasters of the time that stood up for what he believed in during the McCarthy trials of the 1950s. David Strathairn does not even seem himself in the film. He so embodies everything about Murrow that you have a hard time recognizing the actor. It's really too bad that more people won't give Strathairn a chance in the lead role of a movie aside from this one. It's obvious that, when given the opportunity, he knocks it out of the park.

48. Narc (2002) Directed by Joe Carnahan

A little known movie from earlier in the decade follows the murder investigation of an undercover cop. While a lot of the movie is telegraphed earlier in the narrative, it's not the destination but the path as with "The Lord of the Rings" films. You know what's gonna happen the entire time, but it's the matter of getting there that's the exciting part. Something else to take note in this movie: Ray Liotta. Almost twenty years now, he was one of the best actors working. Taking roles that fit him and were popular for the moment. Now, he's reduced to playing the dumb, arrogant cop in "Observe and Report" (a very good movie that's marred by his overacting). Go back and look at this movie, watch his performance, especially his monologue later on in the movie. You'll realize that there's still a good actor in there somewhere, but no one knows what happened to him. Here's hoping he'll be back soon.

47. Adaptation (2002) Directed by Spike Jonze

Charlie Kaufman has become known as the type of screenwriter that messes with the structure of film to the point where it almost makes no sense, "Being John Malkovich" being the epitome of this. The thing about "Adaptation" that sets it apart from the rest is Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage is an actor that receives a lot of flack. He has a tendency to overact and pick bad roles. This is another movie to look back on with reverence because of his performance as twins. It is a near perfect film about writer's block with a small bit of smugness always simmering. Luckily for the movie, it never boils over, but it does come quite close.

46. Munich (2005) Directed by Steven Spielberg

It seems that when a celebrity of any kind has any measure of success that they're always measured by it for the rest of their lives. Just ask M. Night Shymalan. Spielberg is one of those directors that has been constantly (and sometimes unfairly) measured by his last movie. When "War of the Worlds" came out, it was a box office success, probably moreso than people expected. But afterwards, there was a weird backlash. People saying that the ending was forced and too happy, the Spielberg ending. When you watch "Munich", you realize there is no Spielberg ending. This is his darkest movie. There are no easy answers, heroism is distrusted and questioned and people die. The one problem with this movie is the way it plays with the facts. That is unforgivable, but this is not a history lesson. It's a movie. And as that, it's an unqualified success. Star making performance from Eric Bana who has sneakily become one of my favorite actors.

45. The Mist (2007) Directed by Frank Darabont

The 2000s were a great year for horror. Different directors took different approaches to this. Frank Darabont gets the award for the Biggest Kick to the Balls Ending. The movie is about a father and son who have to hole up in a grocery store while the town is being attacked by the thickest mist ever. In the mist, there are all sorts of creatures that tear people apart anytime they venture into it, even if you are Andre Braugher. The movie allows the characters to develop instead of forcing them to develop like many movies do nowadays. We see the hysteria happening, piece by piece as people begin to believe the religious fanatic played by Marcia Gay Harden. If you're looking for end of the world, this is the movie to watch. And that ending...still haunts me to this day. Based upon the short story by Stephen King.

44. The 40-Year Old Virgin (2005) by Judd Apatow

Back when I saw this movie in the summer that it came out, I didn't really think that it would be on any top lists of the decade. As it turns out, the movie has aged very well. The jokes are still funny and the performances are the glue that holds everything together. Steve Carrel earns his successful career in this performance. It's a performance of great restraint and subtlety even when he's yelling curse words. He's the type of actor that people don't give credit to because what he's doing is so natural. The fact that he was not nominated for an Oscar for this movie is a travesty. The Academy should have considered considering comedic performances into their nominations before they considered adding five other Best Picture nominations. Something else...Judd Apatow has not made a movie like this since this. "Knocked Up" had a short shelf life and "Funny People" was terrible. I think too many people want to think of him as something he's not. If he goes back to the drawing board and doesn't allow as much improvisation (or at least get people that are better at doing it than Seth Rogen, or at least restrain his actors), then he'll have another movie like this. If he wants to do a drama, do a drama. Dramedy is not your strong suit. Oh yeah and Catherine Keener is one of the hottest middle agers in film history. Her performance, as chronicled by my friend Mike on another blog, is one of the best of the decade. She is a perfect compliment to Steve Carrel.

43. Pan's Labyrinth (2006) Directed by Guillermo Del Toro

This is what happens when you cross a horror director with a fairy tale. We all knew that Guillermo Del Toro had talent, even during "Blade II". But this movie came out of left field in the best way possible. It's a story that children would like, but the way it's told is a bit dark and violent. One of the ways to recognize the impact this film has had on me is the fact that I haven't seen it since I saw it at Great Northern Mall on a blustery winter night. The movie acts like a dream, or a nightmare in some cases. It is as beautiful and poetic with it's images as it is with it's story. Great performances all around.

42. The Devil's Rejects (2005) Directed by Rob Zombie

I know what you're thinking: "You're going through the best movies of the decade and you're including this piece of trash?" While I agree that it is a piece of trash, it is an extremely skillful piece of trash. What Tarantino set out to do with "Grindhouse", Rob Zombie did without all the pomp and circumstance that the previous film had. There were no expectations for this movie whatsoever. With Zombie's first feature film "House of 1,000 Corpses" he showed that he had no talent except for one sequence that still unnerves me. Take that one sequence and make it feature length and you have something that resembles "The Devil's Rejects". For a movie that's so depraved and disgusting, you are compelled to watch the three main characters go through all the motions. Watch them kill these innocent people. And for some reason, you still identify with them in some respects. Now, I'm not saying that I intend on growing a beard and my hair out and teaming up with Sid Haig and Sherri Moon Zombie...well, maybe Sherri Moon Zombie...and killing a bunch of folks. But, the three leads are so good that you understand what's going on at each moment of the terror. They're not stereotypes, they're real people. Now, while I respect the remake of "Halloween" and really respect the sequel to the remake, the main qualm I have with them is that Zombie has a tendency to write this overly vulgar and hillbilly-ish dialogue that takes people out of the moment. In "The Devil's Rejects", it made sense because that's who they were. But giving Michael Myers the background that he came from a stripper mother and a broken home take a lot of the punch out of his character. You begin to believe that if you spit on the wrong hillbilly that he'll become the epitome of evil instead of Carpenter's version where he's just an unstoppable force. Not white trash with an attitude and a mask.

41. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) Directed by Tim Burton

Tim Burton has been one of my favorite directors since the original "Batman" with Nicholson as the Joker. Burton rarely takes a step in the wrong direction. Sometimes, he has a tendency to go over the top with the visuals and this movie ran the risk of him finally running out of steam with his visual style. Even the look of Johnny Depp as Sweeney Todd screams Tim Burton. Needless to say, going into the movie I was extremely hesitant. Oh yeah, and the fact that it was a musical. That worried me. Let me say, seeing the movie proved to be one of the most enjoyable experiences that I've had this decade. It was a classical story, perfect for Tim Burton's directorial style. Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter and Alan Rickman all turn in fantastic performances and do all their own singing. The movie is truly a diamond in the rough. If you like horror movies, musicals or just plain period dramas, this movie will fill that void for you.

Tigers, Naked Men with Crowbars and Mike Tyson

I've been doing a hell of a lot of bashing lately. It might be because of my mood. As a matter of fact, I do believe that that has something to do with it. However, I still believe that my critiques are valid. They may come off as more bitchy than cogent, but still valid. That being said, this could turn into another bitchfest.

I saw "The Hangover" back when it came out in June. I, like many others, thought it was a very good comedy, perfectly cast. The main problem I had with the movie is the writing. Now, a lot of people that I know that have seen it thought that the writing was top notch. I agree, to a certain extent.

For those of you who don't know (which I doubt are many), the movie concerns a bachelor party gone horribly wrong in Las Vegas. Two friends and a stray try lose the groom to the wedding a few days before it is set to occur. The next couple of hours (movie time, that is) chronicle their search to figure out exactly what happened that night. They go around Vegas and the surrounding area, finding clues and investigating like detectives in hard-boiled fiction from the 1940s.

The movie has a great premise. The main three characters (as well as the cast as a whole) are able to bring the craziness to a workable level in order for it to still seem somewhat believable. But in the third act, everything goes haywire.

Spoiler Alert-

The main problem with the movie is how neatly everything gets tied up in the end. After all that searching around Vegas, getting beaten up by a naked Chinese mob boss, marrying an escort...all that shit, it turns out that the person they've been looking for was on the roof all along. By the time that we realize what's happened, it leaves a sour taste in your mouth.

We spend about an hour and twenty minutes with these people before they realize that their buddy is on the roof with nothing but a sunburn and a bit of dehydration to show for it. I know what you're thinking: "But they were all drugged and couldn't remember what happened to them." True, but I'm not blaming the characters...I'm blaming the writers.

This type of "twist" is just lazy. It was an easy out. All this danger surrounds these people from the time they wake up with a tiger in their bathroom to the aforementioned naked Chinese mob boss. But yet, nothing happened to the guy they were looking for. He's completely injury free, just left on a rooftop to fend for himself.

Granted, that's not the best fate for someone, but as I said, it's a lazy way of tidying up the script. I understand that it's a comedy and there shouldn't be a sad or depressing ending to it, but then again, it should be based somewhat in reality. This is another movie that doesn't play by it's own rules. "Let's make the entire audience believe that Doug is possibly dead but then at the end show that he only has sunburn. Oh man, that'll be classic!"

I'm not saying Doug should have been dead. I'm not saying he should have lost a finger or anything, but there could have been a better explanation to where he was for the better part of the movie. Maybe, possibly, he was slipped some ecstasy (like Alan thought he was slipping everyone) and went tripping at a Siegfried and Roy show. Who freakin' knows. The point is, there were many possible, better explanations to what happened but they decided to go the easy way out.

Another thing that got me about this movie (and it's not really the movie's fault, but more of a growing trend in Hollywood): Why start a movie two days into the story and then go backwards and say, "Two days earlier..." Again, more lazy screenwriting. When I was taking one of my multiple writing classes in college, one of my professors explained that in the first ten minutes of a movie (or ten pages) that you need to grab the audience's attention. Look at a movie like "Drag Me to Hell". The movie starts with a kid getting taken to Hell. That's the way you start a movie.

Think of your favorite movie. Quickly do it. I'll wait.

...

Okay, got it? Now, think of how it's constructed as a story. I'll take one of my favorite movies: "As Good As It Gets". Think of that movie starting around the time he's at the dinner table with Helen Hunt and he goes, "I got something to tell you..." And then Helen Hunt's face goes soft, she smiles slightly and the picture fades to black. Suddenly, a title card comes up saying, "Two days earlier..."

Essentially, this process screws with whatever tension is in the movie because you know that the characters make it to that point. So anytime in "The Hangover" that Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms or Zack Galifin...Galifinak...the guy that plays Alan are in any sort of danger up to that point, you think to yourself, "Oh, they're fine. They got to the part where Bradley Cooper calls the girl." It completely screws up the flow of the plot. It's cheap and annoying.

And finally, Ken Jeong sucks. Seriously, he's terrible. I don't know why anyone ever gave him the chance to be in anything but "Knocked Up". On the special features for "The Hangover", there is a specific special feature that is titled "The Madness of Ken Jeong". It's about seven minutes of him improving and, for reasons unknown to me, people think he's funny. He was funny in "Knocked Up", but I think that too many people told him he was funny before he actually started to try, therefore being over the top and not funny in 90% of everything he's in.

This past fall, I was really excited about the new TV show "Community". I've always been a huge fan of Joel McHale and it's nice to see that he's getting work. As soon as I saw that Ken Jeong was gonna be in it, I immediately became sad. The man really has no talent whatsoever and has been running on fumes for a while. Most of his jokes in the "hilarious improvisation" has to do with dicks, semen and ejaculation. And if that weren't unfunny enough, he does it in a really high pitched Chinese accent. He is not funny and I hope soon he either becomes a better actor or just stops acting.

I'm not picky, but it just has to be one of those two choices. Anything he's in, he ruins.

Despite all the shit that I just spewed, I really did like "The Hangover" but it's still not nearly as good as "The 40 Year Old Virgin". That is the comedy classic to hold all other comedies to in the past decade. "The Hangover" will last amongst fraternities for years to come, but beyond anything else, I don't really see it going much further.

If only I could have taken a roofie to miss the last fifteen minutes of the movie. Then I could have hallucinated a better ending and a movie without Ken Jeong. Ah, yes. What a joy that would have been...

The Dork Knight

This article has been a long time coming, much like "The 'burbs" article I wrote. When "The Dark Knight" came out, a lot of hype surrounded it making it become one of the highest grossing movies of all time. When I saw it, it was in Vermont. Not the best of places to see it, but then again, we were there for a wedding. It was uncomfortable and cramped and packed. And I'm not talking about the theatre.

Let's start with this. Much like the last post that I have, I do believe this is a good movie, but this is by no means a "modern classic" or even one of the best of the decade. A lot of people think this because of how evil the Joker was and how it dealt with the complications of being a hero. Yeah, so what. Honestly, this is the type of movie that holds up to zero scrutiny. The whole movie is a magic act.

You don't really realize it until after you watch it three or four times. The first time you see it, you have this charge. Like, "Holy shit, Batman is awesome." Then the second time you watch it, it becomes a little odd. Like, "How did the Joker coordinate all this?" Then everything falls apart.

The movie is strung together by this half-assed logic. The Joker is a force to be reckoned with because of how he wants everything to turn into chaos. But, he's not omnipresent. He somehow is able to make thousands upon thousands of barrels of gasoline appear where he wants them to at will. The Joker is not that resourceful. For a person that believes in chaos, he must be able to plan things extremely well. The fundamental ideas of the Joker as a character are immediately contradictory. He believes in chaos so much that he doesn't allow it to happen. He has these elaborate plans and schemes but never improvises which is exactly why he loses.

There is too much going on in the movie. People complained about how "Spider-Man 3" had too much going on in it and then just a little over a year later, this movie comes out, does basically the same thing in a darker way and everyone loves it. Granted, "Spider-Man 3" is not a classic either, but no one claimed it to be one like everyone is this. "The Dark Knight" got all this acclaim for paying homage to "Heat" and other movies like it, but that's it's problem. The fact that it didn't play homage to Batman. It was too busy trying to be something it couldn't be.

"Let's do a realistic comic book movie that reminds people more of an R-rated movie from thirteen years ago instead of making it about the characters."

And Christian Bale. Holy shit. What happened to you, buddy? You're such a good actor and then all the sudden, you gotta scream like you have a frog in your throat? What does that accomplish? Bruce Wayne is trying to obscure his voice, but does he have to sound like a moron when he does it? Whether that be his acting choice or Christopher Nolan's directing choice, it still sucks.

Because there is so much going on in the movie, there are a lot of loose ends. Like, how the hell do Alfred and Bruce reconstruct the bullet before Gordon gets killed? What happens to the Chinese businessman when he's on top of the pile of money before they burn it? I'm assuming he gets burned, by why not show it? Because it's a PG-13 movie. Okay, that makes sense, but they make no mention of it and it's just stupid.

Oh and what the hell about when the Joker is talking to Harvey Dent about Rachel in the hospital does Dent not realize it's the Joker until he takes off his face mask that only covers the bottom half of his face?

This is why "The Dark Knight" is not as good as the hype that it brought along. Too many things don't add up. Too many loose ends are not tied up. You might say, "Well, that's how life is." Or, "The Joker is chaotic and so is the movie." Well, I say, "You're stupid." No one should or could really say with a straight face that this movie is one of the best of the past decade. No way. The movie might be okay in the long run, but it's just a lot of action sequences strung together with half-assed character development.

You ever been to a really shitty magician or had one around you and the only thing they can really do it the illusion of losing the top half of his thumb? That is what this movie is like. The only thing Nolan can really do is use IMAX cameras and do a lot of really good action scenes that he stole from another, older, better movie and make you think you're seeing a good movie. This is not the case.

Not only that, but where is the consistency in style between this movie and "Batman Begins"? Oh, that's right, there is none. "Batman Begins" was this dark, nightmarish vision of Gotham City. "The Dark Knight" looks like Chicago. At least in the Spider-Man movies, the city looked the same in all three.

What it comes down to is this, "The Dark Knight" is a good movie. It's the type of movie to show people on your new TV with surround sound, but it's only one step ahead of "Transformers". It looks really good, the directing is okay.

Oh.

Shit.

Forgot.

What the hell is it with over editing the movie? When Batman jumps out of the window to save Rachel from falling to her death, it cuts between three or four different shots for no reason. Why not just show someone fall in one shot or just two? Maybe that would actually feel like a legitimate fall from high up as opposed to just feeling like, no matter what, Batman will prevail.

Oh yeah, Maggie Gyllenhaal was brought on for what? To get killed? It makes no sense. I understand that Katie Holmes wanted more money to be Rachel in this one, but it makes no sense. If you're gonna kill off the character, just bring her in to have some consistency between the roles. But, here I am asking consistency from the guy that offered two versions of Gotham City in two different movies.

The point is, valid moviegoers and watchers will be able to tell the difference between hype and reality. I know I'm not the only one out there that doesn't worship the feet that Nolan walks on. He's a man with talent, but, like J.J. Abrams, it's now his job to prove to us that he's worth the hype. With "The Dark Knight" he has not done so. Let's just hope "Inception" is not just more hype packaged nicely.

Another thing, Heath Ledger does do a fine job as The Joker, but his version of The Joker, as well as Nolan's version of Batman, would not exist if it weren't for Frank Miller and Tim Burton. In order to appreciate what's in front of you, you need to realize where it's come from. And sometimes, as is with "The Dark Knight"'s case, it shows you that the movie is not that good.