October has always been somewhat of a sacred month for me. I think it has something to do with how the leaves turn and it gets colder. While those may be slight factors in my crazy love for October, I think the main impetus for it is, of course, Halloween.
I've always been quite the scared kid. Whether it be of the dark (which I still am) or going outside on an extremely windy night, it touches some kind of a nerve in me that I can't quite explain. It's kinda the same thing when people are trying to tell you about how hot their girlfriend is and you see them and they look more like Sara Gilbert than Sarah Silverman. I can't tell you what it is that freaks me out, it just does.
As part of a tradition that I'm trying to start (I am only currently in my second year), I watched at least one horror movie a day for the entire month. Some days I was bored and watched more than one, but I made sure to adhere to the one a day quota. If I started to watch a movie and fell asleep, I'd start where I left off the next day, making sure that I finished it.
Aside from the one a day rule, I also tried to watch movies I hadn't seen before. Being that I own approximately 2,000 DVDs and over 100 Blu-Rays, there's definite holes in my viewing experience. If I did watch a movie I'd already seen, I watched it with my sister or with someone who I know didn't see the movie I was watching. (These other people were Megan, my cousin Christina and her two children.) There were a few exceptions and that was simply because the movies I've seen before are classics and necessary to watch each Halloween.
Watching all these movies, I was thinking of keeping a daily log of the movies I watched in order to then go back and do a review of each of them. Realizing that this would at least be thirty-one movies and my propensity for rambling (as I am right now), I decided to instead list three things I've learned from these movies. I figured that would be a simpler, standardized way of reviewing the film. That being said, here it goes...
October 1st:
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966), Directed by Bill Melendez
Watched with my cousin's children
1. Never trust a brunette.
2. The music when Snoopy is sneaking "across enemy lines" (the flute solo) is still creepy to me. It evokes the Halloween feeling I was talking about previous.
3. The Great Pumpkin exists.
October 2nd:
Phase IV (1974), Directed by Saul Bass
Tagline: "The day the Earth was turned into a cemetery!"
1. Don't mess with super-intelligent ants.
2. Saul Bass should have directed more movies.
3. Michael Murphy makes a lousy leading man.
October 3rd:
Frozen (2010), Directed by Adam Green
Tagline: "No one knows you're up there..."
1. Even really pretty girls look weird with frostbite all over their face.
2. Tell the girl you like that you like her, otherwise, you're liable to get eaten by wolves before you can.
3. Don't ever jump, legs straight, from a ski lift to the ground. It won't work out for you.
October 4th:
Two on a Guillotine (1965), Directed by William Conrad
Taglines: "Two on a Guillotine - or 7 nights in a house of terror - or the unkindest cut of all"
"Attention: Guillotine-agers! Wouldn't you like to learn how to flip your lid? If you're chopping for entertainment, here's the super-shocker of them all."
"Anyway you slice it...it's the screen's new high in clean-cut fun."
1. Just because a movie is black-and-white and has the word "guillotine" in it does not automatically make it a good movie.
2. Wrapping a coffin with rusted chains and locks will not prevent a corpse from escaping from it.
3. Such "shocking" horror movies should not dwell on the ho-hum romance of a hot blonde and a jackass reporter for half it's running length. Ever.
Saw (2004), Directed by James Wan
Watched with Megan, seen before
Tagline: "Every piece has a puzzle."
1. Cary Elwes must have forgotten to act.
2. There are no cool Adam's in movies especially not this one where this particular Adam cries like a little girl and screams anytime anything happens.
3. Saw is to Seven what Orca was to Jaws: a rip-off.
October 5th:
The Horror Show (a.k.a.-House III) (1989), Directed by James Isaac
Tagline: "Go to Hell."
1. Twenty year olds can play fourteen year olds no matter how creepy they look without any makeup whatsoever.
2. Black cats can, and will, climb into kitchen cabinets, shutting the door behind them in order to jump out at exactly the right time.
3. People can build up a resistance to the electric chair with homemade appliances.
October 6th:
The Monster Squad (1987), Directed by Fred Dekker
Seen several times previous
Taglines: "The End of the World starts at Midnight."
"Call them for a monster-ous good time."
"You know who to call when you have ghosts but who do you call when you have monsters?
1. People, especially in groups, can name an overweight child "Fat Kid" and it can be considered a term of endearment.
2. Shooting from a moving car with your less dominant hand at a small, moving target is entirely possible.
3. Dracula hates little girls.
3a. "Wolfman's got nards."
October 7th:
Dead Silence (2007), Directed by James Wan
Tagline: "You scream. You die."
1. Donnie Wahlberg has the range of a broken BB gun with a bent barrel.
2. Never trust dolls. Better yet, burn any you come into contact with just in case.
3. Famous theaters in the early twentieth century could be on an island of their own.
October 8th:
My Soul to Take (2010), Directed by Wes Craven
Tagline: "Only one has the power to save their souls."
1. When you die, if you're really fast, you can soul jump into a body of someone that's just hanging around.
2. 3-D is a pointless gimmick.
3. Girls can nickname their leader "Fang" and it is acceptable.
October 9th:
The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010), Directed by Tom Six
Taglines: "100% Medically Accurate"
"Their flesh is his fantasy."
1. If my car breaks down in the middle of Germany, I'm just going to hide in the trunk because if I don't, I might become the middle.
2. Cops are really slow on the uptake in horror movies.
3. When Eli Roth says that a movie made him sick to his stomach, chances are you probably shouldn't watch it.
Splice (2010), Directed by Vincenzo Natali
Taglines: "On June 4th...Meet Dren."
"Science's newest miracle...is a mistake."
"She's not human...not entirely."
"The future is born 06.04.2010"
1. Never have sex with an experiment. It gets messy.
2. Gene splicing from several species makes things that look like scrotums with fangs.
3. I never want to hear anyone say "Inside...you..." to me. If you do, you're likely to get punched in the face.
October 10th:
Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Directed by Joe Chappelle
Seen many times before
Taglines: "Six times the terror...Six times the fear...Six times the thrills..."
"Terror never rests in peace!"
"Everyone knows his name. Now, everyone will know the truth."
"The only thing more terrifying than how it began, is how it will end."
"One has tracked his murderous past. The other is a student of the Black Arts. On Friday, September 29th, a mystery will be revealed. The only thing more terrifying than how it began...is how it will END!"
"Haddonfield is ready to celebrate Halloween...so is Michael Myers!"
1. Not all abusive, blonde fathers in horror movies are good actors but their heads will explode if they are impaled on an electrical box.
2. Sequels are better the more tenuous and confusing the connections to the series are.
3. Women can make extremely urgent decisions quickly up to, but not limited to, jumping out a second story window in order to elude Druids come to kidnap them.
October 11th:
The Sentinel (1977), Directed by Michael Winner
Taglines: "She is young, she is beautiful, she is next..."
"She's living in the gateway to Hell."
"Doomed to guard the gates of Hell forever..."
"There must forever be a guardian at the gate from Hell..."
1. Prince Humperdink + mustache = pedophile
2. Lesbians always try seducing attractive women by masturbating in front of them.
3. Walking in on your father having a threeway with two fat chicks will screw you up for life.
October 12th:
The Watcher in the Woods (1980), Directed by John Hough
Taglines: "Scared of going into the woods? You should be..."
"A Masterpiece of Suspense!"
"Something is watching. Something unknown..."
"The most legendary monster of all can now be seen for the first time."
"It was just an innocent game...until a young girl vanished for thirty years."
1. Parents just don't understand.
2. Don't play games in an abandoned church during a rainstorm or else you'll be transported to a different dimension for no discernible reason.
3. Bette Davis, even at 72, had extremely pretty eyes.
October 13th:
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986), Directed by Tobe Hooper
Tagline: "After a decade of silence...the buzzz is back!"
1. Leatherface could have had an alternate life as a puppeteer.
2. Chili, of all kinds, most likely has some human ingredients.
3. Hitting a person in the head with a hammer for over ten minutes and then skinning them will not always kill them.
Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990), Directed by Jeff Burr
Taglines: "There's roadkill all over Texas"
"He puts the teeth in terror"
"The Saw is Family"
1. Ken Foree is the type of guy that can take a chainsaw to the head and still come back at the end of the movie to help subdue the antagonist.
2. Blonde children should not be allowed access to a sledgehammer.
3. Movies are better when they act like sequels but are really remakes.
Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995), Directed by Bill Condon
Taglines: "Evil comes when you call his name."
"Dare you to say his name 5 times...again!"
1. Bees are bad, but not as bad as getting your hand cut off.
2. Women can be named "Octavia" and no one bats an eye.
3. Candyman can never just catch a break.
The Evil Dead (1981), Directed by Sam Raimi
Seen many, many times before...this time with my sister. One of my favorite horror movies.
Taglines: "Can they be stopped?"
"The ultimate experience in grueling terror."
1. Cabins, woods, friends, basements and shrubbery cannot be trusted.
2. Ashley can be a girly guy's name, but when you shorten it, it sounds awesome.
3. Demons and ghosts are rarely subtle, coming only through closed windows and doors.
Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987), Directed by Sam Raimi
Same as The Evil Dead
Taglines: "Kiss your nerves good-bye!"
"2 Terrifying. 2 Frightening. 2 Much!"
"The sequel to the ultimate experience in grueling terror."
"The comedy/horror of the decayed."
1. You can always trick a redneck.
2. You can always stab a redneck.
3. You can always allow a redneck to go head first into a blender and feel guilt free.
3a. Insanity can be fun for a little while, but eventually, hands have to be cut off and innocents shot.
October 14th:
The Video Dead (1987), Directed by Robert Scott
Taglines: "Look what's living inside your television."
"The living dead are here, and they're lusting for blood - yours!"
1. Poodles sound like men when killed.
2. Michael can be both a first and last name for the same person.
3. Poodles get horny off skunk piss.
October 15th:
Humanoids from the Deep (1980), Directed by Barbara Peeters
Taglines: "Between life and death, there is "Humanoids from the Deep"
"From the ocean depths, they strike...to terrorize...to mate...and to kill!"
"From the caverns of the deep...it strikes!"
"They're not human. But they hunt human women. Not for killing. For mating."
1. Bikinis in 1980 came off like tissue paper.
2. Fishers really hate Native Americans and their dogs.
3. Humanoids are elitists, raping only the attractive women.
October 16th:
Bats (1999), Directed by Louis Morneau
Taglines: "Where can you hide?"
"You're their inflight snack."
"Where do you hide when the dark is alive?"
"Out of Hell."
"They will suck you dry!"
1. Bats, when mutated, turn into gargoyles.
2. Bob Gunton cannot play a good guy.
3. Leon's character was written only to call the bats names.
October 17th:
An American Werewolf in London (1981), Directed by John Landis
Taglines: "John Landis - the director of "Animal House" brings you a different kind of animal."
"Beware the Moon."
"A masterpiece of horror."
1. Getting attacked by a werewolf gets you shacked up with a hot British nurse.
2. English pubs are full of superstitious people that do not help you, even if you're screaming for help.
3. Movies don't need a third act, just an ending.
October 18th:
Friday the 13th (1980), Directed by Sean S. Cunningham
Seen many times before
Taglines: "On Friday the 13th, they begin to die horribly, one...by one."
"Lucky 13? I think not..."
"If you think this means bad luck...YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT!"
"You'll wish it were only a nightmare..."
"Fridays will never be the same again."
"A 24-hour nightmare of terror."
"They were warned...they are doomed...and on Friday the 13th, nothing will save them."
"You may only see it once, but that will be enough."
1. Mentally challenged people cannot swim.
2. Strip Monopoly will always be interrupted when playing with two average girls.
3. Any boss that runs a summer camp will wear an ascot and jorts (jean shorts).
October 19th:
The Brood (1979), Directed by David Cronenberg
Taglines: "The Ultimate Experience of Inner Terror."
"They're waiting...for you!"
1. All blonde children are ugly killers with severe acne.
2. No adult can subdue small children attacking them.
3. My subconscious can kill people without my knowledge.
3a. Afterbirth is a palate cleanser.
P2 (2007), Directed by Franck Khalfoun
Taglines: "A new level of fear."
"She did what he never expected. She fought back."
"The only thing more terrifying than being alone is discovering that you're not."
"A new level of terror."
1. No matter how much an audience member could will it to happen, boobs will not pop out of a dress.
2. Christmas weekend is a crappy time to get kidnapped.
3. Complete fingernails come off about as easily as a loose scab.
October 20th:
Burnt Offerings (1976), Directed by Dan Curtis
Taglines: "The perfect summer rental for the last vacation you'll ever take."
"Up the ancient stairs, behind the locked door, something lives, something evil, from which no one has ever returned."
1. Karen Black is ugly and not a good actress.
2. Bette Davis is prettier than Karen Black and she was 68 in the movie.
3. If you dressed Burgess Meredith (who is also in this movie) in a skirt and tank top at the age he was in the movie (he was 69), I'd probably take him out on a date before I would Karen Black.
October 21st:
Friday the 13th Part VI - Jason Lives (1986), Directed by Tom McLoughlin
Seen many times
Taglines: "Kill or be killed!"
"Nothing this evil ever dies."
"Evil always rises again."
"The nightmare returns. This summer..."
1. You can be as innocent as you want, but as soon as you put your face in the sheriff's daughter's crotch, you're a serial killer.
2. Sometimes kids gotta be killed.
3. Horshack is a pussy and sometimes pussies get impaled on a graveyard fence post.
October 22nd:
Paranormal Activity 2 (2010), Directed by Tod Williams
No tagline
1. People never believe in demons or ghosts until one of them snaps their neck.
2. Demonically possessed people are aware of security cameras.
3. Using a Ouija board will only ever lead to trouble.
October 23rd:
The Boogens (1981), Directed by James L. Conway
Taglines: "There is no escape!"
"Some things shouldn't be disturbed..."
"Afraid of not knowing...afraid to find out...After 100 years, someone has reawakened The Boogens."
1. Lock a turtle in a cave for a century, they get uglier and you can now call them "Boogens".
2. Even though the Boogens have been locked away for a long time, they know their way around the cave system extremely well.
3. Sometimes, a good sense of humor and curly hair gets you laid.
The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988), Directed by Wes Craven
Seen before, watched with sister
Taglines: "Don't bury me...I'm not dead!"
1. Haitians hate Bill Pullman.
2. Drugs let you have happy waking dreams where you play with tigers in the grass.
3. To make these drugs, you have to break open the skull of a corpse bride and put your ingredients inside of it.
October 24th:
Saw II (2005), Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman
Seen before, watched with Megan
Taglines: "We dare you again..."
"New game. Different pieces."
"Oh, yes. There will be blood."
"The game continues..."
1. Patience is a virtue.
2. Beating up a cancer patient will get you nowhere.
3. If you keep throwing a plot twist on top of another plot twist, the audience will be so confused, they'll think it's cool and they're smart for knowing it happened. (See also: Inception)
October 25th:
The Fly (1986), Directed by David Cronenberg
Saw it before, watched it with my sister
Taglines: "Something went wrong in the lab today. Very wrong."
"Half man. Half insect. Total terror."
"Be afraid. Be very afraid."
"There is a limit, even to the imagination, where our greatest creations meet our deepest fears. Doctor Seth Brundle is about to go beyond that limit...and he's bringing you for the ride."
1. Geena Davis is weird looking. Thinking that her and Jeff Goldblum were having sex makes me sick to my stomach.
2. Ex-boyfriends are normally douchebags that deserve to be vomit dropped.
3. Baboons are expendable.
October 26th:
Bug (1975), Directed by Jeannot Szwarc
Taglines: "They look like rocks...possess a high intelligence...have no eyes...and eat ashes...they travel in your car exhaust...they make fire...they kill."
"Out of the worst nightmare!"
"The picture you see with your eyes closed!"
1. Bugs can breathe fire.
2. Earthquakes always release some sort of dormant, violent species.
3. Making the fire-breathing bugs fly is probably a bad idea.
From Beyond the Grave (1973), Directed by Kevin Connor
Tagline: "Terror to delight worshippers of the Macabre."
1. All mirrors have blood-thirsty ghosts in them.
2. Buying a door will release a ghost.
3. Ghosts pop out of all antiques.
October 27th:
Return of the Living Dead III (1993), Directed by Brian Yuzna
Taglines: "She's to die for."
"Back from the dead and hungry for more."
1. If you have a thrill seeking masochist for a girlfriend, it's probably ill-advised to resurrect her from the dead.
2. In order for zombies to be properly researched, they must be dressed like Borat in the green bikini.
3. No matter how hot she is, having sex with a zombie will come back to bite you.
October 28th:
Someone's Watching Me! (1978), Directed by John Carpenter
No tagline
1. Lauren Hutton probably could never pass for 29.
2. Uncle Leo from Seinfeld is probably a voyeur in real life.
3. Adrienne Barbeau's boobs are distracting.
October 29th:
Peeping Tom (1960), Directed by Michael Powell
Seen once before a long time ago
Tagline: (there are many, but I'm just going to use this one) "Don't dare tell the ending to anyone - you'll be blamed for nightmares!"
1. Allen Irwin will most likely kill someone with the leg of a tripod.
2. I will most likely be the victim.
3. Greg Brown will be the witness.
3a. Moira Shearer can fit into a trunk.
October 30th:
Opera (1987), Directed by Dario Argento
Taglines: "Obsession, murder, madness..."
"A star is born tonight...will she live to see tomorrow?"
"The last note is a real killer."
1. Cristina Marsillach looks like a combination of Asia Argento and Audrey Tautou.
2. My mother will sit through a brutal horror movie if she thinks it has something to do with opera.
3. Dario Argento really knows how to stage a murder.
Pet Sematary (1989), Directed by Mary Lambert
Taglines: "A pet isn't just for life."
"Sometimes dead is better."
1. If my cat gets killed and I resurrect it in an Indian burial ground and it comes back to kill me, I'm not going to put my son or wife into the same burial ground.
2. Herman Munster has an Achilles' heel just like anyone else.
3. Toddlers with scalpels almost look cute.
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1949), Directed by Clyde Geronimi and Jack Kinney
No tagline
1. Donkeys laugh.
2. Throwing yourself in the middle of a boyfriend/girlfriend fight gets you decapitated.
3. Fat girls with bad haircuts make enthusiastic dance partners.
The Night Flier (1997), Directed by Mark Pavia
Taglines: "Never believe what you publish...never publish what you believe."
"Evil has a flight plan."
"Fly the deadly skies."
1. Vampires are ugly, not doofy looking fuckers with perfectly coiffed hair.
2. You can look like Phoebe Cates but that doesn't mean that you're gonna be a good actress.
3. Editors of tabloids often laugh hysterically at their attempts to complicate things.
October 31st:
Nosferatu: Phantom of the Night (1979), Directed by Werner Herzog
No tagline
1. Werner Herzog takes every opportunity possible to show an animal shitting.
2. Klaus Kinski is an intense guy.
3. Okay Rolan Topor...laughing after everything you say is annoying. I know you're supposed to be crazy, but that's just stupid crazy. Go eat a rat or something.
Psycho (1960), Directed by Alfred Hitchcock
Seen many, many times
Tagline: (there are many) "Don't give away the ending - it's the only one we have!"
1. I wish my name was Arbogast.
2. I wish I could have John McIntire announce me at the Super Bowl with that last name.
3. The phrase "hot as fresh milk" is disgusting, but I use it often.
Sleepy Hollow (1999), Directed by Tim Burton
Seen many, many times
Taglines: "Who will it come for next?"
"Watch your head!"
"Heads will roll."
"Close your eyes. Say your prayers. Sleep if you can."
"You can lock the doors. You can bolt the windows. But can you survive the night?"
1. Sometimes blood is pink.
2. Christina Ricci's forehead isn't always distracting. Sometimes her boobs divert some attention.
3. Seeing Ed Rooney's bare back in a sex scene a nightmare I can't wake up from.
Now, I know I missed out on some of the classics, but this is what I watched. I really wanted to watch The Haunting (1963), The Blair Witch Project and Halloween (1978) but never got around to them. In between writing this, I watched the Japanese horror movie Hausu and was going to try to summarize it, but it would be futile. It deserves it's own entry.
Horror movies are a rollercoaster ride. As explained in Joe Dante's Matinee, they allow you to face death and come out the other end, relieved. I love being scared and this past October left me no shortage of that.
Except for maybe Bats...
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