Brokeback Freddy

Horror Movie Marathon

Day 2, Movie 1

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)

Directed by Jack Sholder

I can't exactly remember which franchise I saw all of first. I'm thinking that it was the Friday the 13th franchise because I could never get a hold of Halloween 4 to watch it. The Nightmare on Elm Street movies were definitely the last for me to see them all. I had watched a few here and there, but it wasn't until I got the huge box set of all of them that I watched them all the way through.

Since I've seen it, the second one always left an odd taste in my mouth. I never quite understood what the fuck it was, it just always bothered me. Not in a way that a horror movie should either. More like it made me uncomfortable. There was some odd quality about it that I never understood.

Then this past spring, it all made sense.

There is a channel in the late hundreds on Time Warner Cable called Bio. It specializes in reality TV, if there is such a thing as specializing in reality TV. Back in March, they had a special on about the Nightmare on Elm Street films. When they got to the second of them to talk about it, they explained what it was that was bothering me all these years.

The screenwriter wrote the script with a homosexual subtext attached to it. Certain imagery and plot points always seemed a little weird. With this explanation, I wanted to go back and watch it. Earlier today, I finally got the chance to watch it again.

Another quick story about the box set of these movies. A buddy of mine that I worked with two years ago had never seen all of them. One day I brought them into work so he could watch them. This was the last I saw this box set until about August of this year. Within that time, I had transferred to another store thirty miles away and he moved away to California.

When I watched it today, a lot of it made sense, a lot of it didn't. If you were to watch this film with a homosexual context, it makes sense to an extent. The main character is a man (when in slasher films they are typically a woman), he has this ridiculous high-pitched scream anytime Freddy jumps out and he has this odd relationship with a rival/friend at school. For instance, just as he's about to have sex with his oddly Meryl Streep looking girlfriend, he turns away because Freddy is about to take over. He then runs away from her and goes to his guy friend's house so he can keep an eye on him in case he changes. Freddy, of course, jumps out of the main character's body and kills his friend. The movie then cuts back to the main character, not Freddy, with the glove on.

This is where the movie starts to play fast and loose with the filmmaking. We see the main character looking in the mirror, seeing himself as Freddy. So, we as the audience assume that the main character now looks like Freddy. Okay, that makes sense (I guess...).

Later, in the movie, we see the main character go to his girlfriend's house covered in blood. Not Freddy. Then Freddy comes out of seemingly nowhere and starts killing people left and right. So, now it's Freddy again, right? Maybe...

Freddy holds all these asshole kids at the party at bay. This one guy walks up to Freddy and says something to the effect of, "Hey man, calm down. Don't worry..." He then gets promptly fucked up by the Freddy claws. Are we to assume that the main character is acting like Freddy, not looking like him? Or, is this guy that got killed just a true hero and was trying to calm down a burned to death, child-murdering, dream master of a ghost into compliance? We'll never know...

Then later in the movie, the main character's Meryl Streep looking girlfriend goes to this factory to confront her boyfriend/Freddy. She keeps telling Freddy/her boyfriend that she loves him and even kisses him on the lips. Freddy! She kisses Freddy on the lips! The burned guy that kills people. I mean, a lot of people will do anything for the person they love, but Jesus, this woman is committed. But she kisses Freddy, reacts to him as Freddy, not as her boyfriend. Meaning, she sees Freddy. Maybe the asshole at the pool party was just that. An asshole...

Now, if you read all this crap with the homosexual context, sure, yeah, the main character is repressing his homosexuality and it comes out from time to time. But, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth because it infers that homosexuality is akin to pedophilia and homicide. But, at the same time, you have to admire a movie like this. It's not your typical slasher film and it has a message to it. It might be extremely wrong and not completely fleshed out, but it took a chance. Not many franchises do that.

All in all, I think it's a decent movie. I don't think it's nearly as good as the first, the third or New Nightmare, but you can't expect miracles. That eighties feel permeates the entire film, too. That's part of the appeal of it.

Oh yeah, and it has an exploding, psychotic parakeet. How many horror movies can say that? Not many, not many...

Jason and Tommy, sittin' in a tree...

Horror Movie Marathon

Day 1, Movie 1

Friday the 13th: Part V-A New Beginning (1985)

Directed by Danny Steinmann

Jason Vorhees is an icon, simply put. There's nothing around it. Granted, he's not the best written character around. (Big deal, you were relatively retarded and drowned because of horny teenagers.) But his legacy lives on. Often imitated, pretty much every slasher film from here on out owes something to Jason, even though he owes a lot to Michael Myers.

Michael Myers was really a product of suburbia. There is a certain rural-ness to Jason. He's the reason you don't want to go into the woods alone, or at all. I know for a fact that I've avoided sets of woods deliberately at night. I'm not sure exactly what it is that bugs me so much about them, but I don't believe I am alone.

To put things in perspective as to how much of a pussy I truly am when it comes to these things, my friends and I thought it would be a good idea to venture into the woods behind my friend's house a little over three years ago. I remember, we went to Allen's house after we got done seeing Pineapple Express at midnight. He, myself and Greg thought it would be a wise idea to walk out into the woods. The moon was full, it was foggy and cold. We couldn't see much in front of us, even though we took a flashlight with us. We stayed out there for about ten minutes and left. As soon as I turned my back, I felt like something was right there behind me.

This has been a common occurrence in my life. When I was a kid (and even more recently), I'd turn all the lights off downstairs and have to go upstairs to my bed. As soon as that light got turned off, I sprinted up the stairs in order to avoid whatever it was I believed was directly behind me. It was never anything (least so I think), but I can say that it resulted in a lot of stubbed toes and swearing.

Is this phenomenon from watching the Friday the 13th movies? It certainly could be. But really, domestic horror belongs to Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger. Jason will always be something I think of when going into the woods.

I'm not really sure when my love of these movies began. I don't even know if I can seriously say to myself or anyone else that I love these movies. They're a secret, or else should be. I try posing myself as this serious minded film guy, watching the occasional foreign film and trying to pass myself off as smarter than I probably am. But when it comes down to it, everyone has guilty pleasures and each of the Friday the 13th movies falls under that category.

When I was younger, my cousin Matt and I would meet up at family functions. We would get talking about different things, but eventually, it became known that he was able to watch R-rated movies. And not just Lethal Weapon 3 and Speed, but actual horror movies. The types of movies that I was pulled away from when I was at the video store. Once I knew about this, I mined Matt for all the knowledge on these movies. He and I would walk off, talking about various scenes in each of the Friday the 13th movies. He would describe them as if they were stories around a campfire, urban legends that weren't supposed to be heard. I had a ball getting the shit scared out of me.

This is probably most of the reason as to why these movies hold a special place in my heart. I know a lot of people wouldn't find it as appealing as I do to get whole movies ruined, but it was awesome. My imagination filled in the blanks, just like a good campfire tale. I took what information I had or could get from VHS boxes and plot summaries, along with Matt's stories and constructed these elaborate scenarios.

Needless to say, I was slightly disappointed when I actually watched the movies.

But, then again, I wasn't really.

I didn't actually start watching the movies until I was working at Blockbuster. I don't exactly remember what the dates were, but I'm pretty sure it was around spring of 2003. The reason I remember this (at least slightly) is because I watched the latter three films in my parent's bed, recovering from getting my wisdom teeth removed. I sat there, gauze filling my mouth, and watched these movies. The mix of actual decent filmmaking (read: only decent, nothing more) and the nostalgia I felt for the stories Matt told me on my grandmother's farm resulted in a genuinely pleasing movie watching experience.

When I watched Part V at first, I was pretty confused. The whole plot was a little strange: Tommy (portrayed by Corey Feldman in the previous film and someone that looks like a low rent Mark Hammill in this one) from The Final Chapter is now crazy and recovering from his stint of running away from Jason and ultimately killing him. He goes to a countryside mental institution with a cast of characters that ranges from your typical slasher movie nymphomaniacs to rip-offs of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest characters.

Tommy shows up and, before long, a fat, chocolate eating, well-meaning, mentally challenged young man gets axed to death by another man who has a remarkably short fuse. The EMTs show up to take the body away. It's after this that the killings start. And man do they start.

SPOILER ALERT

A lot of fans of the Friday the 13th fans tend to not take this one seriously. Almost like On Her Majesty's Secret Service. But as with that film, this really isn't a bad movie in respects of the rest of the series. The reason that people have such a problem with this movie is that the killer is not Jason. Rather, it's the EMT father of the fat, challenged boy. He goes crazy, but not crazy enough to not have a way to explain his way out of the killings by making them all look like the work of Jason.

This is all well and good, a decent plot. But the movie is not concerned with plot at all. While watching this, my sister was sitting to the side, talking to me about different things to do with the movie. She started asking me about the plot and things of nature. I explained to her that the plot of a Friday the 13th movie is about as important as how many bullets a six-shooter has when being used against a living dead mummy. (Thanks Dad for that one.) The movie hints that the killer is someone besides Jason, but goes along with the assumption that it's him for the entire of the movie until the end.

Everyone thinks it's him. And why not? They should. He has superhuman strength, he appears out of nowhere, he kills people in an over-elaborate fashion and wears a hockey mask. But the movie never hints at anyone besides Jason being the killer. Granted, they linger on shots of him after he sees his son dead, but they never actually imply anything else besides that. I always found that weird. The movie could definitely been a decent whodunit, but it never quite elevated itself to that level.

That is not to say the movie is without merits. Oddly enough, for the killer not being Jason, it has the highest body count of any of them. It has a few inventive kills here and there, nudity and the like. This one always holds a special place in my heart because of the atmosphere it contains. I don't know why I like it, but I do. It's up there with the first and the third.

And really, though I like Jason Lives, I was always more of a fan of Jason being alive than resurrected Jason. Call me crazy, but there it is.

Jason will always hold a special place in my heart, even if he'd rather be ripping it out of my chest and holding it in front of me while I die slowly.

Dedicated to those who never saw a Saturday the 14th...

Craven a Fourth

It should be noted that it took me way too long to come up with that title. Far, far too long.

Back around January of this year, I got my first glimpse of the newest "Scream" movie. Being a huge fan of the first two, and a slight one of the third, I was really anticipating it. Saying this that way is an understatement. I have somewhat of an obsessive personality when it comes to movies. Anyone who knows me knows this. But when it comes to the "Scream" franchise, it's a little more than an obsession.

Let me explain:

When the first "Scream" came out, it was being advertised as your basic, run-of-the-mill horror movie. Some creepy sounding guy calling people, asking them about movies and stuff like that. I was 13. I didn't really know many horror movies. I know my parents didn't like me watching them unless they were PG. I know that when I went to Red's Video (a local video store that used to be located two blocks from my home), I'd hang out in the section, looking at boxes and seeing things I didn't understand. What I remember is thinking they were intriguing. That's probably not the word that came to mind when I was 13, but I'm sure it was something along those lines.

In 1996, my brother and I had a weekly date of sorts. He and I would go to the movies and see whatever just came out. "Scream" was one of these movies. Seeing it, even though it was with my brother, seemed like I was doing something wrong. A sense of danger. I was seeing an R-rated horror movie which was likely to have nudity in it. It was pretty exciting.

We saw it in the Oswego Theater. Those days, we didn't venture much past the city limits. It was the upstairs theater that is now one of the 3-D theaters. We went up there, the lights dimmed and the movie started. What happened over those next two hours was a revelation.

While I didn't quite understand a lot about the movie, I knew I liked it. I remember my brother saying to me that he thought the sheriff was the killer because of his black boots. And while I didn't exactly know what was going on (admittedly), I saw it four other times. It was the movie that I told all my friends in middle school about. As a matter of fact, I went with a couple of them. This was well before all the parents got crazy and started cracking down on teenagers seeing R movies.

With my love of the first, once the second one came out, I was there. There was no way around it. In the mean time between the first and the second, I had gotten my sister and father to watch it. They both really liked it. This was especially rare because my father wasn't one for horror movies. He was one of those weird people that like a story when they watch a movie, the type of moviegoer that is so rare nowadays.

Anyway, they liked it. When the second one came out, I made a plan to go to the midnight showing. Sure I had to go to school the next morning, but this preceded school. It was something more than school, more important than it. I understand that school is a necessary evil in some regards and do not consider it without it's merits, but I felt then (and kinda do now) that my time was better spent in that movie theater. I've had better and longer lasting memories in movie theaters than in most other places.

So, it was planned out that my friend Ben, my sister, my brother and myself would go to the midnight showing. My brother drove and we got there around 11:30. There was a line outside. It was the middle of December and people were lined up to see it at midnight. This was starting to feel more special as the night wore on. In my experience (which was limited at that point), only the good movies had lines. The two previous ones I could think of were "Ransom" and "Independence Day".

We get into the theater and sit several rows from the front. We sit through the previews (one of which I remember specifically being "The Postman" with Kevin Costner, which incidentally was laughed at during the preview itself) and the movie starts. During the movie, the same kind of stuff was going on from the first: people were guessing who it was the entire time. My friend Ben thought it was Gale, my sister wasn't sure and my brother thought it was Dewey. My entire world exploded in front of me when Randy got killed because that was the character I most identified with. I remember after he dies, there's a scene where Neve Campbell says, "It shouldn't have been Randy, it should have been me." And I remember, through tears, saying, "She's right, it should have been." Then later in the movie when the killer is revealed, she mentions to Sidney that Randy spoke poorly of someone and she got a "little knife-happy". I remember really wanting the killer dead at that point.

I was a weird kid. Sue me.

Ultimately, I ended up seeing this one four times in the theater. Once it came out on video, I was part of the Columbia House VHS thing. For those of you that don't know, or don't remember, when a movie was released at that time, they'd release it on VHS to rent. People would rent it and months down the line the VHS would be released for purchase. Well, Columbia House kinda helped with that. They offered the movies a few months before general release for a little extra on the price. You can bet your ass that "Scream 2" was going to get bought as soon as it was available.

I remember getting it in the mail and being extremely excited. I wanted to watch the first and second back to back. I wanted to bring people over to my house to watch them both with me. These movies had changed how I watched movies. I was no longer restrained to only watching what my father watched, I was developing my own taste. For better or worse, I was forming my own opinion.

My first year in high school (the same year that "Scream 2" came out, 1997) was hard. I didn't have a lot of friends and wasn't doing nearly as well in school as I wanted to. I was nervous as Hell when it came to my finals. I didn't know what I was going to do. It was such a daunting idea to take finals, I just couldn't handle it.

I remember studying for my science test and throwing "Scream 2" in and watching it. I watched the movie through in it's entirety, studying all the time. The next day, when taking my test, I was trying to remember answers for the test. I thought back to the part of the movie I was watching at the time and remembered what I was studying. I give full credit to "Scream 2" for helping me pass 9th grade.

So, with all this information, it was (or at least should be by now) obvious how much I was going to anticipate the third. Around this time (1999-2000) I was a little more savvy on the internet, had seen more horror movies and was now in my junior year of high school. The third "Scream" got me a little worried because it didn't have the writer from the original two writing it. They replaced him with Ehren Kruger, a guy that wrote on the high end "Arlington Road" and on the low end "Reindeer Games". I was a bit hesitant, but wanted to give it a fair push.

It came out in February of 2000. Again, I went to the midnight showing. Again, there was a line. But watching the movie, there didn't seem to be that much joy attached to it. I know, it's weird to say that any horror movie should have any joy attached to it, but there has to be an element of fun, excitement. While there was some, it just seemed like it was going through the motions somewhat. I didn't get nearly as excited about this one. It seemed like this one got away from the filmmakers. It had an extremely satisfying conclusion to the trilogy that probably pleased most of the fans, but everything (or at least most everything) before it seemed pat. It's hard to describe exactly, but something was definitely off.

So, a trilogy that went from excellent, to really good, to mildly disappointing was finally over. I would watch the third "Scream" quite a bit, but would re-watch the first two more often. In the decade that followed, there was talks of a fourth, but even I was a little wary being that the third was disappointing as it was.

Around 2009, the rumors of a fourth script were coming to light. This time it being written by Kevin Williamson, writer of the first two. Now I was starting to get really excited again. Stupid excited. I was telling people at work about it, most of whom did not care. By the next year, there was talk of the shoot for the fourth coming out. Then there was the rumor that this wasn't just a fourth, but the beginning of another trilogy. And that the original (remaining) cast, the original writer and Wes Craven were all attached for all three. Now I was really damn excited.

In the decade that came between the third and the fourth a lot of new types of horror movies had come out, most notoriously what they called "torture porn". I'm not exactly sure what made this so popular, but it got a little stupid after a while. While I was a fan of both "Hostel" movies, it's not like I was jumping into the air with a picket and telling people they had to see them, I understood they weren't for all tastes.

As for the "Saw" movies, I didn't really understand the allure of them to begin with. The first one was an okay but overshot "Seven" rip off with the usually reliable Cary Elwes overacting all over the place and not knowing what accent to use. The second one didn't impress me, but the third was decent from a story point. I thought it was over. As many of you probably know, there were four other sequels after that, the seventh of which was told to be the "final chapter". As I'm sure most of you know, there was a final chapter in the Friday the 13ths, a Last Crusade for the Indiana Jones movies and four movies with the words Final Destination in them. Final doesn't mean shit in the horror genre. I'm sure there will be more. Unfortunately...

With all these bullshit movies coming out and Williamson's talent to skewer pop culture tropes, I couldn't wait for the new one. It even was coming out on April 15th, tax day. I told my mother one night that I wanted to write into Wes Craven and Dimension Films and tell them that I had a good tagline for them:

On April 15th, there are only two constants in life. Taxes...and DEATH!!!

I thought it was funny. Whatever. You should be laughing right now. If not, you're not my friend.

So, once I knew the actual date of the movie coming out, I took it off from work, along with the corresponding weekend. I was expecting to see this movie at least three times opening weekend. As the day quickly approached, I tried watching the first three again, seeing if I had missed anything in any of the previous viewings. I didn't get the chance I wanted to to watch them, mainly because my sister fell asleep right around the end of the first when we were supposed to watch all three in a row.

I told (not asked, mind you) my brother that we were going to the midnight showing. Because there was not a midnight showing at the Oswego Theater, we had to go to Carousel to see it. We left fairly early Thursday night in order to get some dinner beforehand. Over dinner, we discussed many things. Stuff about the "Scream" movies, stuff about my own movie. We ate sushi, talked to the waiters and the staff at the bar and got a drink. It felt like 15 years ago when we saw the first one. It was both strange and comforting at the same time. My brother and I had bonded again when we were normally at each other's throats.

Throughout the night, my brother kept mentioning how he was too old and he didn't know why he was staying out so late to see another "Scream" movie. While I bitch a lot more than my brother, he's a lot more cynical believe it or not. We left Koto and went to the mall, parked and walked in. I was a good five or six paces ahead of my brother, mostly because of my excitement to see the movie.

We got inside and sat, a seat between us as was standard when we went to the movies. The previews started, but I didn't give a shit about them. The movie just had to start. As it did, I got a smile on my face. This smile lasted the entire movie.

Anyone that was a fan of the first three should have been a fan of the fourth. Even the third one, with it's problems and weird plots and absent main characters was good for what it was. The fourth surpassed the third with flying colors. It had what a lot of horror movies had been lacking at that point: fun. People got killed, blood was shed, but all in all, it was funny and extremely entertaining.

The reason, I think, the movie didn't do as well at the box office as many hoped it would have was because the audience and fan base from the first three is now older. The filmmakers probably hoped that they would gain more fans from this fourth one and make as much money as the first three. Instead, it made less.

My theory for this is because audiences are generally stupid nowadays. No one really wants to see a well-made movie. They'd rather just see another 3-D piece of shit with a lot of colors and Johnny Depp being goofy. The funny thing is "Scream 4" made fun of this mentality, the whole rebooting craze. Let's take a good series and then make another and instead of calling it a remake or a sequel, we call it a reboot. Worked with the Bond series and the Batman series, let's just try it with every fucking series around. It's gotten really annoying.

Let me tell you, there's no fucking way that any of these reboots are going to be better than the actual original. "Batman Begins", while being really really good, will never be as good as the Keaton/Nicholson "Batman". The original "Batman" had originality on it's side. It was the first. Just like the first "Star Wars", "Dr. No", "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and so on. I think the reason get such a hard on for these reboots is because the movie that immediately preceded them sucked. One of my good friends is a big fan of the Christopher Nolan "Batman" movies. I am too, but I realize that they have flaws just like any other movie. Just like the Nicholson one. In order to fully appreciate these new movies, you have to realize they came from somewhere. This is what "Scream 4" understands.

While trying to be a reboot, it's also a sequel. It makes the comment, pretty clearly too, that reboots are just pale shadows of the original. As a matter of fact, one of the characters in "Scream 4" says, "You forgot the first rule to sequels. Don't fuck with the original." And it's true. James Bond wasn't blonde, The Joker was older than Batman and a smart chemist, not a crazy, "agent of chaos". And the remake of "True Grit", while having it's merits (namely Matt Damon), was just the original movie in a different package. The Coen Brothers tried saying that they didn't watch the original during production. Well, if they didn't, they must have some sort of freaky memory because the movies almost look identical.

The point is, reboots will never be as good as the original. What made "Scream 4" so interesting and smart is that it didn't try saying that it was. All these reboots try doing is saying that they're better than the original ones. People have no fucking memory at all. They're all just looking for the next bigger and better thing when the better thing is probably already on their DVD shelf.

Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven knew there was no way they'd be able to catch lightning in a bottle a second time in a row. What they were trying to do is shine a mirror on modern audiences and their expectations. When they did this 15 years ago, people had a better sense of humor. They had humility. In our society today, more people are indignant about bullshit. They don't like being told they're wrong, everyone has gone through some weird transition where we expect less of our entertainment (with the resurgence of reality shows) and these self-righteous terrible people.

It's no surprise that people didn't go to see this. They didn't like being told they were stupid for liking this bullshit. They shied away from it, like most people do therapy. Too proud to admit their mistakes.

Because of this, people are now just allowing movies and ideas that are generally mediocre take over the multiplexes. And while "Inception" was lauded as being one of the most groundbreaking action movies of the past 10 years, it didn't have the same impact that "The Matrix" or "Minority Report" did because it was missing something: respect. "Inception" was too busy telling you how smart it was to sit down and explain itself to you. It would have rather just seemed really heady with really good action sequences and make the smart people feel smarter for liking it. As it stands, it was a solid three star movie.

And while "Inception" and "Scream 4" have little in common other than the letters "e" and "c", it stands to reason. "Inception" developed one character and went from there. It took an hour to explain half the stuff going on in the movie and the other half, dazzling the audience with special effects. Before the audience had a chance to ask a question, they were bombarded with loud action sequences. Anyone that says the movie left loose ends open deliberately gives it way too much credit. It was lazy screenwriting.

Anyway, the point is "Scream 4" restored my faith in movies. While it may not have been the best of the bunch (although it is tied for second with the second), it showed me that filmmakers aren't always crass, uppity people. They are equally aware of the travesties that are being put on film as some audience members are. Because of the low box office numbers, I doubt we'll see a "Scream 5", which is really a shame because I was looking forward to it.

The fact remains that audiences are extremely stupid. They'd rather see "The Hangover Part II" than something that's different and wild. Something easy over something hard.

I'll end this with a small story.

Back when I was in college, during my senior year, I took a World Cinema class with Bennett Schaber. Those of you who do not know him are missing out because, not only is he a great guy, he also knows a hell of a lot about movies. More than I could probably ever gain in my lifetime. This was the second class I had taken with him. The first one I didn't exactly excel at because I was never very good at critical theory. While in that first class with him, he probably got wind that I knew more than I lead on about film as I answered a question about an obscure Bogart film in front of the classroom.

Now it came to World Cinema. At this point, SUNY Oswego didn't have a film major. All their film classes were under an English heading. I took it because I never have allowed myself to expand my horizons as far as world cinema had gone. I was hoping this would help with it.

The first day of class, Bennett was standing at the lectern. He had three separate papers; one blue, one red and one green. He explained that the blue paper was the most difficult of the syllabi, that whoever chose that paper would have the most work and it would be the most challenging. The difficulty decreased with the other two syllabi.

He would go to each of us in the class and hand us the one we asked for. I kept debating as he was handing them out, not knowing exactly which I was going to take. When he got to me, I pussed out.

"I'll take the red one."

Bennett looked at me a little strange. He started to hand me the red one and as soon as I closed my hand on it, he retracted it, giggling slightly.

"No, no. You're not getting off that easy."

He then handed me the blue one. I laughed. He nodded slightly and went to the next kid who took the green one. He did not take it back from the kid, but went quickly to the next. Bennett believed that I could do the heftier work, that I would be successful in this venture. A lot of professors wouldn't do that, demand more from their students. He did.

I just hope to one day be able to do the same for someone else when it comes to film. Demand something of my audience, challenge them. Maybe they'll come out the other end better people as I believe I have.

Note: I understand the irony of this happy-go-lucky ending to this post when I've been bitching throughout about movies tastes and stuff like that, especially since the wallpaper on my computer screen is the poster to "Cheerleader Camp".

The Best Films of the 1990s

Last year around this time, I started to do a list of the best movies of the 2000s. I got about halfway through and realized that after writing small reviews of each of these movies, I felt like taking my life as violently as possible. So instead of going through each and every one of these movies (which there are 111), I am just going to list them with the directors and years. That way I don't kill myself.

That being said, here goes nothing...

120. The Ghost and the Darkness (1996), Directed by Stephen Hopkins

119. Bad Boys (1995), Directed by Michael Bay

118. The People Under the Stairs (1991), Directed by Wes Craven

117. Short Cuts (1993), Directed by Robert Altman

116. GoodFellas (1990), Directed by Martin Scorcese

115. Mars Attacks! (1996), Directed by Tim Burton

114. Scream 2 (1997), Directed by Wes Craven

113. The Frighteners (1996), Directed by Peter Jackson

112. The American President (1995), Directed by Rob Reiner

111. Grosse Pointe Blank (1997), Directed by George Armitage

110. Glengarry Glen Ross (1992), Directed by James Foley

109. Hoffa (1992), Directed by Danny DeVito

108. Red Rock West (1993), Directed by John Dahl

107. 8MM (1999), Directed by Joel Schumacher

106. The Blair Witch Project (1999), Directed by Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sánchez

105. Fried Green Tomatoes (1991), Directed by Jon Avnet

104. Dogma (1999), Directed by Kevin Smith

103. Donnie Brasco (1997), Directed by Mike Newell

102. Courage Under Fire (1996), Directed by Edward Zwick

101. Small Soldiers (1998), Directed by Joe Dante

100. Kingpin (1996), Directed by The Farrelly Brothers

99. In the Mouth of Madness (1995), Directed by John Carpenter

98. Jackie Brown (1997), Directed by Quentin Tarantino

97. Shallow Grave (1994), Directed by Danny Boyle

96. The Exorcist III (1990), Directed by William Peter Blatty

95. Crimson Tide (1995), Directed by Tony Scott

94. Cape Fear (1991), Directed by Martin Scorcese

93. The Birdcage (1996), Directed by Mike Nichols

92. Arachnophobia (1990), Directed by Frank Marshall

91. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993), Directed by Henry Selick

90. GoldenEye (1995), Directed by Martin Campbell

89. Bringing Out the Dead (1999), Directed by Martin Scorcese

88. The Game (1997), Directed by David Fincher

87. Mimic (1997), Directed by Guillermo del Toro

86. Jerry Maguire (1996), Directed by Cameron Crowe

85. Dances with Wolves (1990), Directed by Kevin Costner

84. Fargo (1996), Directed by Joel Coen

83. Beauty and the Beast (1991), Directed by Gary Trousdale and Kirk Wise

82. One False Move (1992), Directed by Carl Franklin

81. Naked Lunch (1991), Directed by David Cronenberg

80. Soapdish (1991), Directed by Michael Hoffman

79. Outbreak (1995), Directed by Wolfgang Petersen

78. Dick Tracy (1990), Directed by Warren Beatty

77. In the Company of Men (1997), Directed by Neil LaBute

76. The Usual Suspects (1995), Directed by Bryan Singer

75. The Lion King (1994), Directed by Roger Allers and Rob Minkoff

74. Rounders (1998), Directed by John Dahl

73. A Civil Action (1998), Directed by Steven Zaillian

72. Copycat (1995), Directed by Jon Amiel

71. The Insider (1999), Directed by Michael Mann

70. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999), Directed by Anthony Minghella

69. The Spanish Prisoner (1997), Directed by David Mamet

68. The Nutty Professor (1996), Directed by Tom Shadyac

67. The Last of the Mohicans (1992), Directed by Michael Mann

66. Jurassic Park (1993), Directed by Steven Spielberg

65. The Fugitive (1993), Directed by Andrew Davis

64. Clueless (1995), Directed by Amy Heckerling

63. The Iron Giant (1999), Directed by Brad Bird

62. Tin Cup (1996), Directed by Ron Shelton

61. Election (1999), Directed by Alexander Payne

60. Little Dieter Needs to Fly (1997), Directed by Werner Herzog

59. Toy Story (1995), Directed by John Lasseter

58. Miller's Crossing (1990), Directed by Joel Coen

57. Fearless (1993), Directed by Peter Weir

56. Darkman (1990), Directed by Sam Raimi

55. Crash (1996), Directed by David Cronenberg

54. As Good As It Gets (1997), Directed by James L. Brooks

53. Dead Alive (1992), Directed by Peter Jackson

52. Pleasantville (1998), Directed by Gary Ross

51. In the Line of Fire (1993), Directed by Wolfgang Petersen

50. The Sixth Sense (1999), Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

49. The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Directed by Frank Darabont

48. Rushmore (1998), Directed by Wes Anderson

47. Matinee (1993), Directed by Joe Dante

46. Heavenly Creatures (1994), Directed by Peter Jackson

45. Candyman (1992), Directed by Bernard Rose

44. Dark City (1998), Directed by Alex Proyas

43. Eyes Wide Shut (1999), Directed by Stanley Kubrick

42. Heat (1995), Directed by Michael Mann

41. The Thin Red Line (1998), Directed by Terrence Malick

40. Babe (1995), Directed by Chris Noonan

39. Gremlins 2 : The New Batch (1990), Directed by Joe Dante

38. Groundhog Day (1993), Directed by Harold Ramis

37. Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994), Directed by Wes Craven

36. Lost Highway (1997), Directed by David Lynch

35. A Few Good Men (1992), Directed by Rob Reiner

34. Sleepy Hollow (1999), Directed by Tim Burton

33. Quiz Show (1994), Directed by Robert Redford

32. Hoop Dreams (1994), Directed by Steve James

31. Saving Private Ryan (1998), Directed by Steven Spielberg

30. The Matrix (1999), Directed by The Wachowski Brothers

29. The Player (1992), Directed by Robert Altman

28. Casino (1995), Directed by Martin Scorcese

27. Man Bites Dog (1992), Directed by Rémy Belvaux, André Bonzel and Benoît Poelvoorde

26. Three Kings (1999), Directed by David O. Russell

25. The Rock (1996), Directed by Michael Bay

24. Lone Star (1996), Directed by John Sayles

23. South Park : Bigger, Longer and Uncut (1999), Directed by Trey Parker

22. Good Will Hunting (1997), Directed by Gus Van Sant

21. The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Directed by Jonathan Demme

20. Dogfight (1991), Directed by Nancy Savoca

19. Magnolia (1999), Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson

18. Leaving Las Vegas (1995), Directed by Mike Figgis

17. Chasing Amy (1997), Directed by Kevin Smith

16. The Limey (1999), Directed by Steven Soderbergh

15. Natural Born Killers (1994), Directed by Oliver Stone

14. Bulworth (1998), Directed by Warren Beatty

13. The Green Mile (1999), Directed by Frank Darabont

12. The Truman Show (1998), Directed by Peter Weir

11. Total Recall (1990), Directed by Paul Verhoeven

10. Blood and Wine (1996), Directed by Bob Rafelson

9. L.A. Confidential (1997), Directed by Curtis Hanson

8. Bowfinger (1999), Directed by Frank Oz

7. Seven (1995), Directed by David Fincher

6. Unforgiven (1992), Directed by Clint Eastwood

5. Scream (1996), Directed by Wes Craven

4. Ed Wood (1994), Directed by Tim Burton

3. A Simple Plan (1998), Directed by Sam Raimi

2. Homicide (1991), Directed by David Mamet

1. JFK (1991), Directed by Oliver Stone

Well, that's it. As the three that went with me to the Baldwinsville that fateful night under a week ago, you'll notice some revisions. If anyone has any questions or comments, you can comment here and we'll discuss.

Return of the Bouldergeist

The title of this blog refers to "Super Mario Galaxy". In the game, you have to fight this ethereal rock monster (no, not a rock lobster) and they call it a "bouldergeist". Needless to say, I laughed for a good couple of minutes after I first saw this. I'm a pun kinda guy. Maybe that makes me unpopular with certain people (mostly girls), but that's just because most girls are uptight and don't want to laugh. Too busy putting up impenetrable walls.

Before I get too involved with the tangent, what I want to say is one of the reasons that the word "poltergeist" is so widely known is because of the 1982 film "Poltergeist". Seems fairly obvious. It wasn't exactly a commonly used word at the time but the movie made it insanely popular. But I'm not going to talk about the first movie. No, that'd be too easy. I'm gonna talk about the second one.

Why?

Because I think it deserves recognition.

Back when I was a sophomore in college, I started my search for the original "Poltergeist" on DVD. I remembered seeing it at Wal-Mart so I went there. No such luck. I worked at Blockbuster at the time so I decided to just order it. It was 19.99 with a 20% discount.

This was a movie that I watched in the daytime specifically because when I was a child it scared the living shit out of me. I didn't remember much about it, but the title evoked this feeling in my body that immediately got me a little sick to my stomach. (I admit, I was a weird kid.) I didn't know what to expect from the movie when I watched it this time. I was older, arguably more mature. Maybe it was still going to scare me.

But what happened surprised me. It was a touching, scary, exciting ghost story with special effects that still hold up.

I got a sick obsession with this movie. I watched it with my father, my sister and by myself. Each time, I saw something else in it I liked that much more. The score by Jerry Goldsmith (insert Mike Sloyka rolling his eyes here) really adds to the movie, as all scores should. There are particular cues that shows Goldsmith's range. From heroism, fear and the unknown, it's all covered here, on film and on the score.

One of the scenes in the movie gets me each time I watch it:

As I've discussed in the past, I have this thing that happens when a movie is really well done. I get goosebumps. The goosebumps, if they get intense enough, cause me to tear up. Why, you might ask? I don't actually know. The only thing I can relate it to is just being an idiot.

There is a scene in the movie where the parents of the abducted child decide to go after their child by way of white, windy portal in the door. It doesn't make sense, but it doesn't have to. The father ties a rope to the mother as the mother prepares for the unknown. The music swells, they look at one another and they know words won't help. Words don't suit what they're about to do. They kiss, blocking the light and causing a perfect silhouette.

So, because of the first having such an effect on me, I kept thinking to myself, I gotta watch the second one. Lucky for me, the second and third were in an MGM two pack.

A couple of weeks pass and I get the second and third on DVD. I am ecstatic. I watched the second one as soon as I could get the packaging off. The one hesitancy that I had was the fact that I remember Craig T. Nelson drinking tequila and spitting up a worm. And an old man. A very scary old man.

The weird thing about the sequel is that you really like it though you know you really shouldn't. It's a decent follow up. If nothing else, you have time to spend with a likable family that you identified with in the first. Granted, JoBeth Williams is significantly less hot and Craig T. Nelson's hair changes length mid movie without any explanation, but you almost don't notice. Jerry Goldsmith does the score again and it's as strong as the first, if a little more quirky.

The thing about the second one that makes it almost more watchable than the first is that it's not nearly as good as the first. I know that's a weird thing to say, but the best way I can describe it is like this:

You gotta think of the first movie as being a complete meal. Thanksgiving dinner. You're around the table with your family, having fun, telling stories and getting full.

The second movie is more like getting Chinese. It's good, it's filling and your family is still happy, but it's a lot less work. Almost like junk food.

"Poltergeist II" is comfort food. Something I can watch at almost anytime. It reminds me of being a kid, covering my eyes with my hands. Sitting around with my dad, brother, mother and sister on the floor of our living room. It's a good feeling. Comfort food needs it's place just like the Thanksgiving meal.

Not just that, but the second one has some legitimately good shock moments. Some of it is a little ridiculous, but that was just part of being the 80s. The first movie threw everything into it, from a guy ripping his face off to a tree that eats children. They had to up the ante somehow. Who knew they'd add attacking braces and a tequila worm that turns into a monster, that turns into a crab that's actually the spirit of an old preacher that can be defeated by Native American smoke. If you follow the line of logic, it kinda makes sense. Kinda like the argument that I made to my father during "The Mummy" about how one of the guys shot more than six bullets out of a six shooter. I told him, "We're watching a movie about a resurrected mummy." That kept him quiet...for a while.

I won't mention the third because it makes almost no sense. Less than the second (and that's saying something). I do remember Lara Flynn Boyle being reborn out of a hollowed out Zelda Rubenstein. But then again, I fell asleep while watching it so it could have been a dream. Good Christ, I hope it was a dream...

It should also be mentioned that I own the scores to the first two movies. I listen to them frequently throughout the year. The scores, in themselves, are so good that you can picture the movie while you're listening to them. Not only that, but listening to particular tracks from each of the scores help me get to work on time. And yes, that means I speed.

As I did with my previous blog, I'm going to do the three things I learned from the second movie.

Poltergeist II - The Other Side (1986), Directed by Brian Gibson

Tagline : They're back.

1. If I were to be adopted by any actor, I wish it were Craig T. Nelson.

2. Even if you don't truly believe in another religion, it's power can help you in the nick of time against a crustacean spirit.

3. Evangelists are always creepy, especially when they're ghosts that, when alive, sealed their entire congregation in a cave.

Lesson Learned

October has always been somewhat of a sacred month for me. I think it has something to do with how the leaves turn and it gets colder. While those may be slight factors in my crazy love for October, I think the main impetus for it is, of course, Halloween.

I've always been quite the scared kid. Whether it be of the dark (which I still am) or going outside on an extremely windy night, it touches some kind of a nerve in me that I can't quite explain. It's kinda the same thing when people are trying to tell you about how hot their girlfriend is and you see them and they look more like Sara Gilbert than Sarah Silverman. I can't tell you what it is that freaks me out, it just does.

As part of a tradition that I'm trying to start (I am only currently in my second year), I watched at least one horror movie a day for the entire month. Some days I was bored and watched more than one, but I made sure to adhere to the one a day quota. If I started to watch a movie and fell asleep, I'd start where I left off the next day, making sure that I finished it.

Aside from the one a day rule, I also tried to watch movies I hadn't seen before. Being that I own approximately 2,000 DVDs and over 100 Blu-Rays, there's definite holes in my viewing experience. If I did watch a movie I'd already seen, I watched it with my sister or with someone who I know didn't see the movie I was watching. (These other people were Megan, my cousin Christina and her two children.) There were a few exceptions and that was simply because the movies I've seen before are classics and necessary to watch each Halloween.

Watching all these movies, I was thinking of keeping a daily log of the movies I watched in order to then go back and do a review of each of them. Realizing that this would at least be thirty-one movies and my propensity for rambling (as I am right now), I decided to instead list three things I've learned from these movies. I figured that would be a simpler, standardized way of reviewing the film. That being said, here it goes...

October 1st:

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966), Directed by Bill Melendez

Watched with my cousin's children

1. Never trust a brunette.

2. The music when Snoopy is sneaking "across enemy lines" (the flute solo) is still creepy to me. It evokes the Halloween feeling I was talking about previous.

3. The Great Pumpkin exists.

October 2nd:

Phase IV (1974), Directed by Saul Bass

Tagline: "The day the Earth was turned into a cemetery!"

1. Don't mess with super-intelligent ants.

2. Saul Bass should have directed more movies.

3. Michael Murphy makes a lousy leading man.

October 3rd:

Frozen (2010), Directed by Adam Green

Tagline: "No one knows you're up there..."

1. Even really pretty girls look weird with frostbite all over their face.

2. Tell the girl you like that you like her, otherwise, you're liable to get eaten by wolves before you can.

3. Don't ever jump, legs straight, from a ski lift to the ground. It won't work out for you.

October 4th:

Two on a Guillotine (1965), Directed by William Conrad

Taglines: "Two on a Guillotine - or 7 nights in a house of terror - or the unkindest cut of all"

"Attention: Guillotine-agers! Wouldn't you like to learn how to flip your lid? If you're chopping for entertainment, here's the super-shocker of them all."

"Anyway you slice it...it's the screen's new high in clean-cut fun."

1. Just because a movie is black-and-white and has the word "guillotine" in it does not automatically make it a good movie.

2. Wrapping a coffin with rusted chains and locks will not prevent a corpse from escaping from it.

3. Such "shocking" horror movies should not dwell on the ho-hum romance of a hot blonde and a jackass reporter for half it's running length. Ever.

Saw (2004), Directed by James Wan

Watched with Megan, seen before

Tagline: "Every piece has a puzzle."

1. Cary Elwes must have forgotten to act.

2. There are no cool Adam's in movies especially not this one where this particular Adam cries like a little girl and screams anytime anything happens.

3. Saw is to Seven what Orca was to Jaws: a rip-off.

October 5th:

The Horror Show (a.k.a.-House III) (1989), Directed by James Isaac

Tagline: "Go to Hell."

1. Twenty year olds can play fourteen year olds no matter how creepy they look without any makeup whatsoever.

2. Black cats can, and will, climb into kitchen cabinets, shutting the door behind them in order to jump out at exactly the right time.

3. People can build up a resistance to the electric chair with homemade appliances.

October 6th:

The Monster Squad (1987), Directed by Fred Dekker

Seen several times previous

Taglines: "The End of the World starts at Midnight."

"Call them for a monster-ous good time."

"You know who to call when you have ghosts but who do you call when you have monsters?

1. People, especially in groups, can name an overweight child "Fat Kid" and it can be considered a term of endearment.

2. Shooting from a moving car with your less dominant hand at a small, moving target is entirely possible.

3. Dracula hates little girls.

3a. "Wolfman's got nards."

October 7th:

Dead Silence (2007), Directed by James Wan

Tagline: "You scream. You die."

1. Donnie Wahlberg has the range of a broken BB gun with a bent barrel.

2. Never trust dolls. Better yet, burn any you come into contact with just in case.

3. Famous theaters in the early twentieth century could be on an island of their own.

October 8th:

My Soul to Take (2010), Directed by Wes Craven

Tagline: "Only one has the power to save their souls."

1. When you die, if you're really fast, you can soul jump into a body of someone that's just hanging around.

2. 3-D is a pointless gimmick.

3. Girls can nickname their leader "Fang" and it is acceptable.

October 9th:

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010), Directed by Tom Six

Taglines: "100% Medically Accurate"

"Their flesh is his fantasy."

1. If my car breaks down in the middle of Germany, I'm just going to hide in the trunk because if I don't, I might become the middle.

2. Cops are really slow on the uptake in horror movies.

3. When Eli Roth says that a movie made him sick to his stomach, chances are you probably shouldn't watch it.

Splice (2010), Directed by Vincenzo Natali

Taglines: "On June 4th...Meet Dren."

"Science's newest miracle...is a mistake."

"She's not human...not entirely."

"The future is born 06.04.2010"

1. Never have sex with an experiment. It gets messy.

2. Gene splicing from several species makes things that look like scrotums with fangs.

3. I never want to hear anyone say "Inside...you..." to me. If you do, you're likely to get punched in the face.

October 10th:

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Directed by Joe Chappelle

Seen many times before

Taglines: "Six times the terror...Six times the fear...Six times the thrills..."

"Terror never rests in peace!"

"Everyone knows his name. Now, everyone will know the truth."

"The only thing more terrifying than how it began, is how it will end."

"One has tracked his murderous past. The other is a student of the Black Arts. On Friday, September 29th, a mystery will be revealed. The only thing more terrifying than how it began...is how it will END!"

"Haddonfield is ready to celebrate Halloween...so is Michael Myers!"

1. Not all abusive, blonde fathers in horror movies are good actors but their heads will explode if they are impaled on an electrical box.

2. Sequels are better the more tenuous and confusing the connections to the series are.

3. Women can make extremely urgent decisions quickly up to, but not limited to, jumping out a second story window in order to elude Druids come to kidnap them.

October 11th:

The Sentinel (1977), Directed by Michael Winner

Taglines: "She is young, she is beautiful, she is next..."

"She's living in the gateway to Hell."

"Doomed to guard the gates of Hell forever..."

"There must forever be a guardian at the gate from Hell..."

1. Prince Humperdink + mustache = pedophile

2. Lesbians always try seducing attractive women by masturbating in front of them.

3. Walking in on your father having a threeway with two fat chicks will screw you up for life.

October 12th:

The Watcher in the Woods (1980), Directed by John Hough

Taglines: "Scared of going into the woods? You should be..."

"A Masterpiece of Suspense!"

"Something is watching. Something unknown..."

"The most legendary monster of all can now be seen for the first time."

"It was just an innocent game...until a young girl vanished for thirty years."

1. Parents just don't understand.

2. Don't play games in an abandoned church during a rainstorm or else you'll be transported to a different dimension for no discernible reason.

3. Bette Davis, even at 72, had extremely pretty eyes.

October 13th:

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986), Directed by Tobe Hooper

Tagline: "After a decade of silence...the buzzz is back!"

1. Leatherface could have had an alternate life as a puppeteer.

2. Chili, of all kinds, most likely has some human ingredients.

3. Hitting a person in the head with a hammer for over ten minutes and then skinning them will not always kill them.

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990), Directed by Jeff Burr

Taglines: "There's roadkill all over Texas"

"He puts the teeth in terror"

"The Saw is Family"

1. Ken Foree is the type of guy that can take a chainsaw to the head and still come back at the end of the movie to help subdue the antagonist.

2. Blonde children should not be allowed access to a sledgehammer.

3. Movies are better when they act like sequels but are really remakes.

Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995), Directed by Bill Condon

Taglines: "Evil comes when you call his name."

"Dare you to say his name 5 times...again!"

1. Bees are bad, but not as bad as getting your hand cut off.

2. Women can be named "Octavia" and no one bats an eye.

3. Candyman can never just catch a break.

The Evil Dead (1981), Directed by Sam Raimi

Seen many, many times before...this time with my sister. One of my favorite horror movies.

Taglines: "Can they be stopped?"

"The ultimate experience in grueling terror."

1. Cabins, woods, friends, basements and shrubbery cannot be trusted.

2. Ashley can be a girly guy's name, but when you shorten it, it sounds awesome.

3. Demons and ghosts are rarely subtle, coming only through closed windows and doors.

Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987), Directed by Sam Raimi

Same as The Evil Dead

Taglines: "Kiss your nerves good-bye!"

"2 Terrifying. 2 Frightening. 2 Much!"

"The sequel to the ultimate experience in grueling terror."

"The comedy/horror of the decayed."

1. You can always trick a redneck.

2. You can always stab a redneck.

3. You can always allow a redneck to go head first into a blender and feel guilt free.

3a. Insanity can be fun for a little while, but eventually, hands have to be cut off and innocents shot.

October 14th:

The Video Dead (1987), Directed by Robert Scott

Taglines: "Look what's living inside your television."

"The living dead are here, and they're lusting for blood - yours!"

1. Poodles sound like men when killed.

2. Michael can be both a first and last name for the same person.

3. Poodles get horny off skunk piss.

October 15th:

Humanoids from the Deep (1980), Directed by Barbara Peeters

Taglines: "Between life and death, there is "Humanoids from the Deep"

"From the ocean depths, they strike...to terrorize...to mate...and to kill!"

"From the caverns of the deep...it strikes!"

"They're not human. But they hunt human women. Not for killing. For mating."

1. Bikinis in 1980 came off like tissue paper.

2. Fishers really hate Native Americans and their dogs.

3. Humanoids are elitists, raping only the attractive women.

October 16th:

Bats (1999), Directed by Louis Morneau

Taglines: "Where can you hide?"

"You're their inflight snack."

"Where do you hide when the dark is alive?"

"Out of Hell."

"They will suck you dry!"

1. Bats, when mutated, turn into gargoyles.

2. Bob Gunton cannot play a good guy.

3. Leon's character was written only to call the bats names.

October 17th:

An American Werewolf in London (1981), Directed by John Landis

Taglines: "John Landis - the director of "Animal House" brings you a different kind of animal."

"Beware the Moon."

"A masterpiece of horror."

1. Getting attacked by a werewolf gets you shacked up with a hot British nurse.

2. English pubs are full of superstitious people that do not help you, even if you're screaming for help.

3. Movies don't need a third act, just an ending.

October 18th:

Friday the 13th (1980), Directed by Sean S. Cunningham

Seen many times before

Taglines: "On Friday the 13th, they begin to die horribly, one...by one."

"Lucky 13? I think not..."

"If you think this means bad luck...YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT!"

"You'll wish it were only a nightmare..."

"Fridays will never be the same again."

"A 24-hour nightmare of terror."

"They were warned...they are doomed...and on Friday the 13th, nothing will save them."

"You may only see it once, but that will be enough."

1. Mentally challenged people cannot swim.

2. Strip Monopoly will always be interrupted when playing with two average girls.

3. Any boss that runs a summer camp will wear an ascot and jorts (jean shorts).

October 19th:

The Brood (1979), Directed by David Cronenberg

Taglines: "The Ultimate Experience of Inner Terror."

"They're waiting...for you!"

1. All blonde children are ugly killers with severe acne.

2. No adult can subdue small children attacking them.

3. My subconscious can kill people without my knowledge.

3a. Afterbirth is a palate cleanser.

P2 (2007), Directed by Franck Khalfoun

Taglines: "A new level of fear."

"She did what he never expected. She fought back."

"The only thing more terrifying than being alone is discovering that you're not."

"A new level of terror."

1. No matter how much an audience member could will it to happen, boobs will not pop out of a dress.

2. Christmas weekend is a crappy time to get kidnapped.

3. Complete fingernails come off about as easily as a loose scab.

October 20th:

Burnt Offerings (1976), Directed by Dan Curtis

Taglines: "The perfect summer rental for the last vacation you'll ever take."

"Up the ancient stairs, behind the locked door, something lives, something evil, from which no one has ever returned."

1. Karen Black is ugly and not a good actress.

2. Bette Davis is prettier than Karen Black and she was 68 in the movie.

3. If you dressed Burgess Meredith (who is also in this movie) in a skirt and tank top at the age he was in the movie (he was 69), I'd probably take him out on a date before I would Karen Black.

October 21st:

Friday the 13th Part VI - Jason Lives (1986), Directed by Tom McLoughlin

Seen many times

Taglines: "Kill or be killed!"

"Nothing this evil ever dies."

"Evil always rises again."

"The nightmare returns. This summer..."

1. You can be as innocent as you want, but as soon as you put your face in the sheriff's daughter's crotch, you're a serial killer.

2. Sometimes kids gotta be killed.

3. Horshack is a pussy and sometimes pussies get impaled on a graveyard fence post.

October 22nd:

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010), Directed by Tod Williams

No tagline

1. People never believe in demons or ghosts until one of them snaps their neck.

2. Demonically possessed people are aware of security cameras.

3. Using a Ouija board will only ever lead to trouble.

October 23rd:

The Boogens (1981), Directed by James L. Conway

Taglines: "There is no escape!"

"Some things shouldn't be disturbed..."

"Afraid of not knowing...afraid to find out...After 100 years, someone has reawakened The Boogens."

1. Lock a turtle in a cave for a century, they get uglier and you can now call them "Boogens".

2. Even though the Boogens have been locked away for a long time, they know their way around the cave system extremely well.

3. Sometimes, a good sense of humor and curly hair gets you laid.

The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988), Directed by Wes Craven

Seen before, watched with sister

Taglines: "Don't bury me...I'm not dead!"

1. Haitians hate Bill Pullman.

2. Drugs let you have happy waking dreams where you play with tigers in the grass.

3. To make these drugs, you have to break open the skull of a corpse bride and put your ingredients inside of it.

October 24th:

Saw II (2005), Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman

Seen before, watched with Megan

Taglines: "We dare you again..."

"New game. Different pieces."

"Oh, yes. There will be blood."

"The game continues..."

1. Patience is a virtue.

2. Beating up a cancer patient will get you nowhere.

3. If you keep throwing a plot twist on top of another plot twist, the audience will be so confused, they'll think it's cool and they're smart for knowing it happened. (See also: Inception)

October 25th:

The Fly (1986), Directed by David Cronenberg

Saw it before, watched it with my sister

Taglines: "Something went wrong in the lab today. Very wrong."

"Half man. Half insect. Total terror."

"Be afraid. Be very afraid."

"There is a limit, even to the imagination, where our greatest creations meet our deepest fears. Doctor Seth Brundle is about to go beyond that limit...and he's bringing you for the ride."

1. Geena Davis is weird looking. Thinking that her and Jeff Goldblum were having sex makes me sick to my stomach.

2. Ex-boyfriends are normally douchebags that deserve to be vomit dropped.

3. Baboons are expendable.

October 26th:

Bug (1975), Directed by Jeannot Szwarc

Taglines: "They look like rocks...possess a high intelligence...have no eyes...and eat ashes...they travel in your car exhaust...they make fire...they kill."

"Out of the worst nightmare!"

"The picture you see with your eyes closed!"

1. Bugs can breathe fire.

2. Earthquakes always release some sort of dormant, violent species.

3. Making the fire-breathing bugs fly is probably a bad idea.

From Beyond the Grave (1973), Directed by Kevin Connor

Tagline: "Terror to delight worshippers of the Macabre."

1. All mirrors have blood-thirsty ghosts in them.

2. Buying a door will release a ghost.

3. Ghosts pop out of all antiques.

October 27th:

Return of the Living Dead III (1993), Directed by Brian Yuzna

Taglines: "She's to die for."

"Back from the dead and hungry for more."

1. If you have a thrill seeking masochist for a girlfriend, it's probably ill-advised to resurrect her from the dead.

2. In order for zombies to be properly researched, they must be dressed like Borat in the green bikini.

3. No matter how hot she is, having sex with a zombie will come back to bite you.

October 28th:

Someone's Watching Me! (1978), Directed by John Carpenter

No tagline

1. Lauren Hutton probably could never pass for 29.

2. Uncle Leo from Seinfeld is probably a voyeur in real life.

3. Adrienne Barbeau's boobs are distracting.

October 29th:

Peeping Tom (1960), Directed by Michael Powell

Seen once before a long time ago

Tagline: (there are many, but I'm just going to use this one) "Don't dare tell the ending to anyone - you'll be blamed for nightmares!"

1. Allen Irwin will most likely kill someone with the leg of a tripod.

2. I will most likely be the victim.

3. Greg Brown will be the witness.

3a. Moira Shearer can fit into a trunk.

October 30th:

Opera (1987), Directed by Dario Argento

Taglines: "Obsession, murder, madness..."

"A star is born tonight...will she live to see tomorrow?"

"The last note is a real killer."

1. Cristina Marsillach looks like a combination of Asia Argento and Audrey Tautou.

2. My mother will sit through a brutal horror movie if she thinks it has something to do with opera.

3. Dario Argento really knows how to stage a murder.

Pet Sematary (1989), Directed by Mary Lambert

Taglines: "A pet isn't just for life."

"Sometimes dead is better."

1. If my cat gets killed and I resurrect it in an Indian burial ground and it comes back to kill me, I'm not going to put my son or wife into the same burial ground.

2. Herman Munster has an Achilles' heel just like anyone else.

3. Toddlers with scalpels almost look cute.

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1949), Directed by Clyde Geronimi and Jack Kinney

No tagline

1. Donkeys laugh.

2. Throwing yourself in the middle of a boyfriend/girlfriend fight gets you decapitated.

3. Fat girls with bad haircuts make enthusiastic dance partners.

The Night Flier (1997), Directed by Mark Pavia

Taglines: "Never believe what you publish...never publish what you believe."

"Evil has a flight plan."

"Fly the deadly skies."

1. Vampires are ugly, not doofy looking fuckers with perfectly coiffed hair.

2. You can look like Phoebe Cates but that doesn't mean that you're gonna be a good actress.

3. Editors of tabloids often laugh hysterically at their attempts to complicate things.

October 31st:

Nosferatu: Phantom of the Night (1979), Directed by Werner Herzog

No tagline

1. Werner Herzog takes every opportunity possible to show an animal shitting.

2. Klaus Kinski is an intense guy.

3. Okay Rolan Topor...laughing after everything you say is annoying. I know you're supposed to be crazy, but that's just stupid crazy. Go eat a rat or something.

Psycho (1960), Directed by Alfred Hitchcock

Seen many, many times

Tagline: (there are many) "Don't give away the ending - it's the only one we have!"

1. I wish my name was Arbogast.

2. I wish I could have John McIntire announce me at the Super Bowl with that last name.

3. The phrase "hot as fresh milk" is disgusting, but I use it often.

Sleepy Hollow (1999), Directed by Tim Burton

Seen many, many times

Taglines: "Who will it come for next?"

"Watch your head!"

"Heads will roll."

"Close your eyes. Say your prayers. Sleep if you can."

"You can lock the doors. You can bolt the windows. But can you survive the night?"

1. Sometimes blood is pink.

2. Christina Ricci's forehead isn't always distracting. Sometimes her boobs divert some attention.

3. Seeing Ed Rooney's bare back in a sex scene a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Now, I know I missed out on some of the classics, but this is what I watched. I really wanted to watch The Haunting (1963), The Blair Witch Project and Halloween (1978) but never got around to them. In between writing this, I watched the Japanese horror movie Hausu and was going to try to summarize it, but it would be futile. It deserves it's own entry.

Horror movies are a rollercoaster ride. As explained in Joe Dante's Matinee, they allow you to face death and come out the other end, relieved. I love being scared and this past October left me no shortage of that.

Except for maybe Bats...

Hottie with a "Body"

Going into this movie, I didn't have a lot of expectations. It was one of those movies that came out in the fall and then the studio dumped between Christmas and New Year's. I always look for these types of movies, the ones the studios dump, because there's gotta be something to them. At least I thought so. The movie that began this template was "Jeepers Creepers".

The movie came out eight years ago. I still have fond memories of watching that movie by the glow of my Christmas tree by myself past midnight in my living room. The movie scared the shit out of me. Granted, back then, I didn't have as much experience with horror movies as I do now. I've since become desensitized by them, but there are movies that still will scare me if done well enough.

So, here comes "Jennifer's Body". Everyone probably already knows who is in it and what the basic plot is, but just in case it stars Megan Fox as a girl who becomes possessed by a demon. That's pretty much all you need to know. The movie does not strain for any more depth than that. Amanda Seyfried plays her "BFF" (gag) Needy. (Her name is actually Anita, but Needy sounds funnier and more clever.)

Something to take into consideration is the fact that this movie is written by Diablo Cody. Her only other credits at this point are "The United States of Tara" and the Academy Award winning "Juno". I haven't watched "The United States of Tara", but I haven't heard that much good about it aside from Toni Collette. However, I have seen "Juno".

"Juno" was a success because while Juno and all her friends had this cutesy, I'm smarter than you dialogue, the parents and adults all spoke normally. None of them seemed to be straining to be smarter than the other. They were just regular people. "Jennifer's Body" is the complete opposite of this.

As a matter of fact, I don't really know of any of the adults in the movie at all. There is no juxtaposition of dialogue. Just Megan Fox looking hot and eating guys. Something to realize though is that Megan Fox actually has the chops to act. Because two of her other movies (the "Transformers" movies) were directed by Michael Bay and Michael Bay is basically a six year old in a fifty year old's body, she was never given an opportunity to do anything in those two movies aside from look scared, hot and run in tight clothes.

The movie itself doesn't know what it wants to be. I think Diablo Cody wanted to do a horror movie, but didn't really understand the conventions of them. Or did too well. I'm not sure. I'll probably have to watch it again to form a better opinion on it. The movie is poorly edited and directed. While this could have been seen as the ultimate girl power movie because of Karyn Kusama behind the camera with a Diablo Cody script, it acts as nothing more than a male fantasy put on screen.

I could just see some guy say, "You know, if I were to be torn apart by some girl-turned-monster, I'd want it to be Megan Fox seven days a week and twice on Sundays."

The problem with the movie is it's not as funny as it wants to be and it's not as scary as it should be. I know in the end that horror comedies are hard to pull off, but then again, it doesn't seem like anyone tried for anything. I doubt that the movie would have been made without Megan Fox in the lead role.

Now, I am trying my best to have faith in Diablo Cody. I really, truly am. I would hope that someone with a rags to riches story like hers would be able to pull off something other than "Juno". Our society these days frequently makes people celebrities before they know what to do with the fame (also see J.J. Abrams). I'm hoping that Ms. Cody falls out of the cutesy dialogue and makes something substantial again. According to one of the special features on the Blu-Ray, she explains that she didn't make the dialogue the way she did on purpose. I think that's a lie. Many writers can realize when their dialogue is taking away from the story. And in her case, especially in "Jennifer's Body", it most certainly is.

For now though, I will just continue to think of how if the amount of effort that was put into the Megan Fox/Amanda Seyfried make out scene was put into the rest of the movie that the movie would have been infinitely better.

A kinda scary side note: For someone that doesn't like Diablo Cody too much, I own both of the movies she has written on Blu-Ray. And they're both in the J's, right on either side of "JFK". Now that's scary.