About a month ago, I was in Rochester with a few of my friends. Mike had moved up there during the summer and myself and two others went up to visit, shop and just hang out. Part of the trip was to go to a huge ass FYE. Understand that if you live in the Oswego area, no FYE's really compare to the massiveness that is the FYE in Eastview Mall, located in Rochester. When I first walked in there, I was in awe.
But, then again, I have no life.
Anyway. I didn't go up there with many expectations. It was the weekend before Christmas and I had shopping to do, but shopping for your sister and mom with three guys either seems gay or out of place. You choose.
As part of the ritual of buying DVDs with these three it becomes something of a competition. God help me, it's a competition. As much as the other three will deny, deep down we all know that's what it is.
I was leafing through the Horror movie section, seeing if I could find anything of any interest. While I really needed to get something for my dad while I was there, I had a feeling I wouldn't find anything for a reasonable price. FYE is notorious for overpricing their DVDs. As a matter of fact, most of their HD or Blu Ray DVDs run almost fifty dollars.
To my left, I see Mike with a stack of movies in his hand. Most of the time (and we both do this) we'll find movies we find interesting and hold them. Sometimes a few turns into a stack and stacks turn into quests to find shopping carts. Mike showed me what I thought to be something special, something that hit me a little harder than it should have.
It was a box of British horror films. I know, a lot of you are saying, "Great, who gives a shit? What are they, all written by Agatha Christie and Jane Austen?" For those of you who do not recognize one or both of those names, you need not read any further. The box set was priced at 49.99. Not bad for four movies.
Mike then points out the price on them on the shelf. 17.99. In the box set were three movies that didn't interest me that much. But the fourth was something I believed necessitated a pedestal.
It's called "Inseminoid". In the FYE that night, there was a copy of it on it's own that cost 49.99 on it's own. Mike knew that and there wasn't another copy of the set. I was defeated.
Or was I?
We ventured to the used section which they were still in the process of setting up. There wasn't all that much there that was whetting my appetite so to speak. I just was a bit sad. Mike had "Inseminoid" and I didn't. For a good price too. I pulled out my phone to try to see if I could get it for cheaper online, but I had no signal and therefore no Wi-Fi.
After a few minutes, maybe even ten, Allen calls my name. I turn to see what he wants and he's holding another copy of the boxset in his hand. Apparently someone stashed it in the used section. Either that or threw it away in horror with no regard where it landed. Same price so I decided to buy it.
Now, this box set has been hanging out in my house for a while. I opened it, but didn't watch any of the movies inside. I figured I would have to set aside time to watch them. They seemed like special occasion movies or just something I could watch some random night after one in the morning.
I got bored earlier today and decided to pop "Inseminoid" in. Now, when you look at the box, you think this movie is gonna kick ass. I'm sorry, but it's not often you see a thick, six foot (guesstimating) monster over a naked girl's body on a futuristic surgical table. Anybody, I don't care who you are or what your movie watching habits are, you'd at least pick up the movie and look at the back.
The plot sounds like it's a rip off of "Alien". People go to a deserted planet, get attacked/killed, whatever.
But, the movie was about a bunch of British people, some guys with close to no hair, some girls with no bras and a lot of white T-shirts on the space craft, that go on the planet and get terrorized by this alien you don't see a lot of.
Here's a problem I have: the monster kills some people, makes others go crazy so they can go kill other people. For instance, this lady and a black guy are walking around the planet (where it's allegedly 85 degrees below even though the planet has two orbiting suns). The black guy gets killed. Ripped apart actually. Because, if you watch enough horror movies, you should know that the black guy in the movie is about as fucked as the asshole in the red shirt on Star Trek. That is, unless, you're watching "Tales from the Hood". The monster then turns his attention to the woman and pulls her breathing tube.
Now, in most movies, you pull some dumb fucker's breathing tube out when they're walking a planet surface, their eyes bug out like the end of "Total Recall". But, not this movie. The girl just faints. Next thing we're treated to (and yes, I do mean treated) is a "Rosemary's Baby" type sequence where the alien stands over the naked girl, similar to what was shown on the DVD cover.
Around this point, I was trying to figure out the origin of the title "Inseminoid". I broke it down. In my head, "In...sem...in..." It clicks. Inseminate. This is a creature that inseminates.
Wait.
Me, an English major that constantly corrects people's English and how they speak and I didn't pick up on this until it was too late.
The really stupid looking alien spreads the woman's legs and proceeds to put a tube between them. What is going through the tube looks something like a vomit/pickled egg mixture. Least, I hope it was a tube. Unless the monster has a translucent penis. Anyway, the lady screams, the camera goes around and around and she goes back to the ship.
Now, this might have been kind of interesting, but the movie was so damn slow. I couldn't stay awake at all. Maybe it was because I was tired. But, I woke up at different intervals during the movie. Inseminated lady becomes two months pregnant overnight and no one thinks it odd, twin aliens, carnage and loud casting call.
I'm pretty sure watching the movie that way makes more sense.
Now, I know I'm giving this movie a bad rep, especially with the title of the blog, but I am going to give it another chance. It may have been terrible and hard to watch, even sleep inducing, but there's something about that DVD cover. How the monster looks, the art on the DVD.
Either the movie had a fantastic advertising representative or the movie has legitimately good bad parts in it.
I guess they can't all be winners. I was hoping for a "Cheerleader Camp"/"Mountaintop Motel Massacre" type movie. The type I'd see at Red's when I'd go down there by myself on rainy Saturday afternoons as a kid.
The next movie I'm looking for is "Blood Diner". I've heard a lot of good things about it. Anyone that might have it and wants to part with it (although from what I've heard, you'd have to be crazy to think that way), let me know.
For the time being however, gaze at the glory that is the "Inseminoid" DVD box. There's gotta be some good in the movie, I just have to find it. It may take a while and I may have to take up cocaine to keep me up through the night, but whatever it is I must do to find it will become my mission.
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