You Know the Drill

"The Dentist" was one of those movies that I always walked past at Red's Video. A cheap horror movie which hoped that people would rent it just off of the interesting cover art. On the front of the box it shows a person with their mouth wide open with surgical gloves working on their teeth. Teeth are a sensitive subject for a lot of people. I'm more of an eyes guy. If I see someone getting their eyes screwed around with, I'm out. It bothers me a lot.

I found this at the local Big Lots. I thought, "What the hell. It's only three bucks. What could go wrong?" I thought that it wouldn't be that big of a deal. That three dollars could have bought me any number of things. Could have bought me twelve fake mustaches. Or something. I thought the movie would have been a fun, jokey horror movie. Instead, it was just a weird hybrid.

The movie centers around (you guessed it) a dentist, played by Corbin Bernsen. You may know him from "L.A. Law" or even "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang". Maybe not "L.A. Law" if you're reading this unless you're in your thirties or forties. As the dentist, he realizes that his hot wife is banging the pool guy. Oh yeah and he's a neat freak. He thinks that everything is decaying. He's insane. Not the best guy you want to work on your teeth.

The whole plot of the movie seems to center around the dentist exactly revenge on his adulteress wife. Too bad he didn't take care of her like that girl in "Cannibal Holocaust". That would have ended the adultery right quick. Instead, he goes about it in a passive aggressive way. He invites her out to this newly renovated part of the building of the dentistry which is sorta like an opera house. He then straps her down and yanks out every one of her teeth.

So, you'd think the movie's over. Just like I did.

Forty-four minutes, twenty-three seconds in.

I check the back of the box. Approximate running time: 93 minutes.

Wait, wait, wait. What the fuck. This movie isn't even half over yet? He already exacted his revenge on his wife. His wife is taken care of. Toothless, but taken care of.

He ends up using her as bait to kill the pool guy, nixing all fantasy build up of me wanting to be a pool boy in Southern California. My luck, I'd be the dentist's pool guy and get hacked to death, easily the best kill in the movie. Granted, it's standard with a knife. There are few frills but the way that it's shot makes up for a lot of it.

Then the dentist goes back to his office to finish up his day at work. He drills gratuitously into people's teeth, hallucinates frequently and kinda molests this one girl. Well, no, not kinda. He does. He has to hide her pantyhose. By the way, the girl who he molests has an agent played by Mark Ruffalo of "Zodiac" and "You Can Count On Me" fame. He gets to punch the dentist because he finds out about the molestation. But hey, you can't really blame the dentist. It's the girl's fault she looks like his wife, right?

So because what should have been the main plot for the entire movie (the exacting of revenge on his wife) gets taken care of so quickly, the rest of the movie meanders and tries finding a final girl. And they do find one, but she's like sixteen and wearing a short skirt and white stockings. She only really wants her braces off and then the dentist takes out a gun.

The main problem with this movie is what I was mentioning before. It should have either been funnier or scarier. The director (Brian Yuzna) is not talented enough to pull a Peter Jackson or a Sam Raimi, trying to juggle the two. As a result, the movie is a major mixed bag. It could have been so ridiculously over the top that it would have been a hell of a lot more entertaining. Or it could have been scarier and taken itself a little more seriously. But instead, we got this weird combination. Like putting pineapple on a pizza...it just doesn't make sense.

Now, even though I didn't particularly like this movie, I am seeking out the second one. Mainly because the tag line is "Brace yourself!" With this being my only real reason for seeing this movie, it might give me the same amount of disappointment that this one did. But, who knows? Maybe "The Dentist II" will be a surprise.

A diamond in the rough, if you will.

Or it could just be the piece of coal it looks like.